November 30 Herceptin day

Well I went in waiting for my results. My tumor markers went from 127 to 137.  Of course sure I was worried but the doctor said not to worry.  So hmm what do you do? I guess not worry LOL......I feel really good otherwise.  This treatment though knocked me out.  I had fever and chills that night and felt so sick.  It took me about four days to actually feel myself.  My body just ached all over.  Skipping a week because I was sick really made a difference.  I ended up hurting my arm, which I have no idea how I did it.  It hurts when you touch it, a burning feeling.  Saw the doctor and he said a strained muscle.  At first he thought maybe shingles, but nothing appeared thank goodness for that.  So, of course it still hurts, because I continue to not rest it.  It actually started to get better and then started to hurt all over again.  I figure it is just something you have to live with for a while. It always seems something comes in the mist of stuff, but I guess it is how you look at it and deal with it is how you can over come it.

I take each day as it comes.  It is crazy sometimes.  I do get scared but try to keep on moving along.  Family stuff is really different this year.  It is amazing how Thanksgiving turned out.  That is another story not worth getting into anymore.  You would think everyone wants to get together to spend time with each other, but it just seems so miserable.

I have tried to get into reading again, but just cannot focus.  One of the lady's at treatment day, she was so cute.  It was her last chemo and she said I have been reading this same book for over six months.  I just cannot retain anything.  But look at it this way, every time I pick up the book it is like starting a brand new novel all over again.  :) I always have to go back and read it again because I cannot retain the information.  I thought I was the only one.  LOL... Boy did that make me feel better, I have been reading the same Stephen King book since April LOL.......

I miss my mom but was glad she took time for her.  She needed that.  I am glad because today she will be back.  Cannot wait to see her.  Missing my dad this year is going to be hard thing to handle but I will make it through.  He is with me everywhere I go.  I can feel him this time.  He protects me and it feels really good.  My husband also protects me and makes me feel so good as well.  He picks me up and always makes me feel better.  I am a lucky girl and his strength means so much.

Emotionally, what can I say, I have changed a bit, I do not sweat the small stuff anymore.  I just do not try too hard now if someone wants to be in my life great if not well I am too tired to try anymore.  It is sad and makes me sad, but what can you do.  I end up getting hurt when I get rejected time and time again, so I have decided to no longer give the effort.  Maybe that seems so awful, they say you have to forgive.  Sure, I forgive, I do not have any hate, just will not try anymore.  I need to focus on the ones who are there.  The ones that make my heart filled with love.

I am lucky for the support of friends, family and loved ones.  Each day that will keep me going and keep me smiling.  All I can say is I will never give up.  My next treatment December 22.  Boy, can you believe Christmas time.  Dad, I miss you, April 1 you left this world, but you are my angel, I love and miss you very much.

Lab Test Tomorrow and treatment day Wednesday

I know it is normal being scared, but I am tired of being afraid.  I wish some of my friends were closer to me as in distance sometimes I could use their hugs more than ever.  Now is that time.  I feel a little lost writing this today.  Well I have a cold, but that is greatly getting better, my arm hurts so bad, in a certain place if you poke it I feel a burning pain in it.  If I reach it hurts.  My thumbs pop in and out like they are going to come out of joint.  It started of course after I saw my doctor for the cold to make sure my lungs were clear.  Which they were :).  I was trying to do something simple like take laundry out of the dryer and it just hurt.  I guess I am more frustrated then sad. 

Never a dull moment that is for sure, I cry sure, I have to, my counselor told me that is part of healing.  It feels good sometimes to just let it out in tears.  He told me if people do not understand just tell them why.  It scares my husband I know but I have to let it out.  Sometimes I do it when he does not see, I do not want him to worry.

I miss my mom a bit she helps me so much but so glad she has gone to visit my sister and rest.  She needed that. 

On facebook I was doing who I was grateful for each day but suddenly I just stopped.  Well, I guess I lost the mood for that. I am thankful do not get me wrong, but I just haven't the spirit to go through it right now.

I know I am grateful for my friends close by, who visit me, hug me and send me notes.  The ones far away you are in my heart.  My husband deserves a medal for all the stuff he goes through, I always feel like I burden him but he says no.  He is my heart.  It is forever. 

Some people will never understand what we go through ever day.  Some even fake their kindness.  It just does not matter anymore, because I have no more strength to try, to call, or cry over these people anymore.  I do not want to waste the time.  I am going to smile and be happy and sure I get down sometimes, normal, but you will never know because of my smile.  But do remember I am strong, I will never ask for help, but it does not mean I do not need a hug or to be told it is okay.  Remember that.  :)

Herceptin day, and results November 3, 2011

Well never look forward to hearing results of anything.  We went :) nervous, my echo is great my heart is fine, but my tumor markers have come up from 77 to 127.  So, in three weeks we need that checked again. If still rising need a scan to make sure nothing is happening.  Well my heart sunk and my husband saw the fear on my face.  The doctor explained we check this every three months to make sure, you are on the best medicines so no worries okay. 

Well, how can you not worry, but with that you have to continue to go on.  Smile and tell everyone when they ask you how are u? Well, I am just fine. LOL....but inside I am screaming. Ah!!!

Roel is worried, so am I, but we smile and just keep moving you have to.  With my disease things are bound to come up.  I guess I will always have that fear always. 

My joints still hurt at times, the doctor said all the symptoms I have are from my medicine Armidez.  Joint pain, bloated stomach, and hot flashes.  Hey I can make it he wanted to give me more meds for that ah no that is okay. 

So, will let you know what is to come in three weeks.  Emotionally, I go back and forth, but hey it is going to be okay.  I have the best husband in the world.  I am one lucky girl.  And I met so many friends along the way.  All I can say is your prayers and hugs mean so much.  I am going to make it, you bet I am!

Scared at times

Halloween just around the corner kind of funny huh.....Well, last Friday I became very ill, little did I know at the time it was food poisening.  I was throwing up, diarrhea, but what scared me, is that is how I started when I got sick the first time before my cancer showed up.  I had such aches and pains, I just kept apologizing to my husband each time I got sick, and he was so scared looking at me.  I finally had my mom come over, just did not want my honey to be alone.  I hugged him and told him I was tired of being scared.  Every little pain, little jerk and I just am afraid I have to hear that word again. Cancer......

I continue to be brave, keep trying to be strong, but some days it is hard.  I have met so many friends who have filled my life with joy I am lucky.  My mom, and husband are here constantly for me.  Then you have some who are right around the corner and seem like they are so far.  Very sad.  I do have some great friends though, Sophia, Andy, Caroline who always check on me.  It means so much.  I have my best friend in Chicago who always thinks of me. I had one friend who wanted to pray with me, I was so touched with that.  A small note just brightens my spirit.  I light up for days.  People telling me that I am a strong, that I inspire, well, I light up because you just can never give up in life.  You have to keep going even if you hit stumbles.  I support my friends going through cancer on facebook with notes and they support me.  We keep each other going, I would love one day to meet even just one of them. 

Blogging helps me get my feelings down, explain what I go through each time.  Then when i read it wow, I cannot believe it was me.  I cannot believe that next week is treatment week again.  I get my echo, labs and see the doctor too.  Big week but we will just take a deep breathe and move forward. 

I think wow, what a year it has been, but this year has made me stronger than ever.  You wonder why things constantly seem to go wrong at times, but then you sit back and remember the good times and it makes you smile. Those times are in my heart, and keep me going each day.  My husband's smile keeps me strong.  And all the friends I have met with their notes of support helps so much.

Sure I have those days of being sad, scared but considering what I have been through a little tears is okay...........just everyone be there with those hugs.

October 13 Herceptin Day

Well it has taken me a bit to write this time, been kind of emotional lately.  Sometimes it gets frustrating having to go every three weeks, but it is something I just need to do. I always push myself afterwards too, I got yelled at LOL....but I just feel if I do not I am giving in.  Maybe that is wrong.  These past two days I have been hurting, My legs have felt awful with my joints just hurting.  Just a small price to pay I have to think of it that way.  There were times I held pills in my hand, wanted to end it all, felt that I was such a burden to everyone.  That my heart was just empty.  Feeling pain and aches all the time is not fun, I can only walk the most an hour without my knees hurting, or my feet.  I ended up with neuropathy which I hope will go away but it might not.  My husband is very supportive and told me to just take it slow, that is all we need to do.  We have a wheelchair in case I need it so I can do things and go places and not worry that if I hurt I can rest.

I just do not understand sometimes, I try to come up with ways on why I got the disease, what did I do wrong, because it just has to be something. I even researched the neighborhood to see if other people got cancer maybe there was some cause.   But really, it is just my life unfolding.  I feel a burden I do and sometimes just wish I can do the things I could do before, but I cannot.  People worry when I get depressed but it is a part of it, sometimes I just need to cry.  It is sort of a cleansing for me.  But I also have been hurt, trying to make friends with some people, only to be rejected, and some leaving because they feel their problems are more important.  When you are going through this surrounding yourself with positive people help so much, so I guess those people who left I  should feel would have brought me down.  Who needs that. You sit sometimes and hope for visits, but they never come, so I realize that the ones that are there are the ones my heart should focus on.  I never hate people, I just do not understand that it only takes five minutes to say hey you okay.  I do not even get that from some people who are actual family....it is sad.  You do not realize how much those little things mean to me.  How much they keep me going.  But I also realized that my husband, my heart, is the one who always takes that time.  He will text me he loves me, call during the day, rub my legs when I am in pain at night and feet.  It is hard sometimes to get rid of hurt, but eventually your heart fills with love from the ones who really have it to give. 

I am lucky I have found friends along the way who I met on facebook, we are breast cancer sisters and help each other, and I have my family, my husband and mom who keep me strong.  They help me when I do not feel good.  It is amazing could not imagine being alone.  I am told having good and bad days are normal.  I just have to remember there is HOPE.  I do have that.  Love you Daddy and miss you very much.  I feel your loving arms hug me when I am sad, you are my angel.  I love you Roel without you my heart would be so lonely.  You fill my heart with love.. 

My story will continue and my writing continues to help my soul heal one day breast cancer will hopefully be gone forever.

September 23 Herceptin Treatment

Well you think this is routine now....the nurses know me by name when I go.  My husband though can tell there is still some sadness in my eyes when I go.  Sometimes you do not feel like normal.  I see the port in my skin on my chest, I get tired sometimes after treatment, my legs ache, but I am so grateful to have my husband by my side all the time.  My mom also has been wonderful and my family and friends.  I have connected with so many people on facebook, they have become my family.  We all help each other get through those days when we feel bad.

Treatment went well, I have been tired but hang in there.  These are little things which seem to be nothing just a part of my life.  I am thankful for my life, my husband, my family and friends. 

Been very emotional lately, missing my dad who passed away in April, wish he was here for a hug sometimes.  I forget that he is gone at times.  I cannot believe that I started fighting my cancer the end of January and it is already going to be October.  What a year this has been.  I continue each day to fight, and will never give up.  Have too many things that make me smile every day.

 

September 13, Unable to sleep

Today I cannot sleep, for the first time in a while.  My mind keeps going over and over some things and I worry about family.....There are days I feel so not strong, I have met so many inspiring people along the way this time and I am so grateful for them.  They tell me that I bring them up, that I help them and my words put them at ease.  That makes me feel good.  What they do not realize that sometimes I just feel so tired.  I hide a lot of my fear so people do not know how scared I am sometimes.  Cancer sucks there is no other way to say it.  I know I need to focus and be strong no worries I will, but some days getting hugs is all that I need to survive. 

My husband people see how wonderful he is.  I am thankful every day for him.  He supports me, makes me feel loved.  He has been there on good and bad days, and always trys to make me laugh.  He keeps things from me so I do not worry, and he works hard each and every day.  I am so proud of him.  He is my strength, my life, and I love him so much.  People say I am lucky to have such a supportive husband and you know what I am lucky.  Not many men would stick by you through this time, some of my friends have told me they lost loved ones because of cancer, they just up and left.  Mine stayed by my side through it all. 

I know I will be able to sleep again once my mind rests but for now I write to let the world know that I am afraid.  I know it is okay to feel that, and it will pass as it always does because I know each day I will be greated with a smile and feel love in my heart. 

Next week already herceptin is coming.  Feel like a regular already with this.  It becomes now a part of my life, a part which keeps me living. I will be strong just remember I do have those days.........

Thursday September 1 Herceptin Day

Went and got my herceptin went pretty well.  You know even though you have a port it still hurts when they put that needle in, but once you get passed that, it is easy.  I get a little nauseous afterwards, that usually lasts for about one day, and get a little tired.  Been walking a lot lately which is great, I get sore the next day but my legs seem to be getting better. My hair continues to grow back, and my nails.  My toe nails still some problems but that will heal in time.  I get tired easily but hey I still hang in there.  Being around friends and family help so much. 

I can say that I am taking one day at at time.  You still remember the day you are diagnosed, you still remember sometimes the fears, but you continue to carry on, and smile and not let people know those thoughts.  You sometimes wish things were different, miss some people who are gone, but then you realize what is around and are so grateful. 

I can say I feel very brave for what I have fought, I did it with opens eyes.  Giving up is not me, and I am lucky to have a man in my life that sticks by me no matter what.  Believe me in life that is hard to find. He made this problem his fight as well, and we fought together. 

On that note, I can say I will take one day at a time and always be grateful. Love you Roel.

Herceptin again lol..........Thursday August 11

Well another herceptin down.  I got good news I had an echo done and tumor markers, my echo was normal so my heart is doing good and my tumor markers are down from 85 to 77.  So, things are coming along.  I started a new medication avanistin which will help also.  I seem to be moving right along which is good.

I still have reactions from the chemo but things are starting to get a little better.  The numbness in my hands and feet is there but better, my legs do not hurt as much.  I am working on my nails and toe nails.  Got a bad fungus so that is going to take time but it will get better. My eye lashes are starting to come back and eye brows.  And my hair it is coming in slowly.......I hope the grey stays away  lol......

I was started on medicine for depression, the chemo put me into menopause so been emotional, not only about my health but also about my dad.  It is helping but of course you have to work on healing yourself which is what I am doing.

The knee I dislocated gets sore which I am sure is normal when I walk a lot.  I just have to hang in there with that. Things will get better.

My husband has been by my side through it all and still continues.  When I am down he brings me up, and believe me I do have those days.  He tells me I am beautiful and I always see the love in his eyes.  He is my life and I am so grateful for him.

I need to continue to be strong and with my husband, family and friends I know I can.  I wake up and think of all the things I am grateful for in my life and then start my day.  Things will come together I just have to take one day at at time.

Thursday was Herceptin day

I really did not feel like going on Thursday felt kind of sad.  But I made it through and did it.  Still have some affects from the chemo, weak legs, I ended up getting some problems with my nails and toes nails.  Some stomach problems too. But, things are coming together slowly.  It has been three months since my last treatment so I know my body is slowly coming back to normal.  Even my hair is growing!!!

My knee seems better but I still take it slow.  It gets sore after walking for a while but it is working.  :)

I take each day now as it comes, and be strong and try to move on slowly.  I miss my dad a great deal but I know he is looking down on me from heaven. 

I do not seem to have too much reaction from the herceptin which is great.  The extra water weight I gained over 20 pounds is gone now and I feel great.  On August 9 i get my tumor markers checked again and my echo for my heart to make sure things are going okay.  So everyone pray and will be letting you know.  I think maybe I can rest easy once I find out.  All I know is I have to take one day at a time. 

Thanks to all the support from my family and friends I will continue to fight and never give up.  Roel I love you!

Herceptin was on Thursday

Well I had my herceptin again, does not seem to bother me which is good.  My leg swelling has gotten much better which is good, I  had almost over 10 pounds of water weight.  Still dealing with my leg weakness which is hard, I get frustrated when I cannot do much.  And also my knee, but it has been three weeks so I keep telling myself to be patient.   Being patient is hard let me tell you, but sometimes you just have to go with it.  Also my nails, are very discolored. It makes me feel ugly at times but all shall pass as they say. They say it can take up to six months for the chemo to come out of your system.  /Well five more to go.....

There is a lot of stress with all of this, stress sometimes I wish it would go away but talking it out helps me so much.

Today I am actually lost for words, just want things to come together slowly and I know they will.  Life was never made to  be easy that is for sure.  I just wish my hurt in my heart could sometimes disappear. I cry and it just never makes it go away.  One thing I did learn tears are very healing to the soul and it helps me heal in my heart in a certain way.  People worry when they see me cry,  but hey sometimes it just has to come out.  You know what it is okay......

I pray for strength and for my worries to be lifted. One day those worries will hopefully be gone.

The love of my friends and family are my strength, my hope....I will never give up.......

Herceptin iv, and knee

Two weeks ago I received herceptin, no more chemo which is good my body can finally heal.  Not too much reaction just felt sick to my stomach otherwise doing okay.  My legs and ankles are swollen with water so working on that until last Sunday I blew my left knee out.

It has been a week about my knee the brace is off I am finally walking without using crutches or a walker.  But my legs remain weak probably from the chemo still.  I have my mom and husband supporting me and giving me encouragement each day to get up and heal.  And my facebook friends and family who continue to do that as well.  I pray to god for help, sometimes I feel he does not answer and that is hard and I cry.  I need to be strong so much.  I have to. 

I have some regrets in life, of course we all do, I regret not having children, forgiving some people when we fight. Lately, I just let things go when I get hurt from someone.  I figure if they want to be in my life embrace it.  If someone does not just let it go.  But I have learned that you have to embrace those in your life now and enjoy you have to. 

I hope my husband never regrets anything with me, he is such a wonderful man.  Someone who I admire who is so strong and I feed off his strength each day.  Is it wrong to miss him so much during the day it hurts?  I do.  I feel lost when he is not around, crazy huh but it is true.

Next week back on herceptin, so moving right along  Doing exercises to strengthen my knee so I know one day at a time and hang in there.  I have to one day at a time. 

I love my family my sister, her husband, my nieces and my mom and husband with all my heart.  Thank you for the strength.  And my true friends thank you as well......I will make it through one day at a time.  All the cards I have gotten I keep and read for support so thank you so much for all of that. And my other strength is I am getting well not only for me, but dad I love you.  I promised you before you died that I would get better and I will.

feeling hopeful for the first time

I feel hopeful for the first time.  Geez what took me so long huh. lol........I still have affects from the chemo but I talked to a support lady yesterday Gloria, she has the same diagnosis as me and she is going strong.  Been on herceptin for three years and doing great, has some side effects but okay. 

After talking with her it lifted my spirits up so high you could not believe.  I know with the support of everyone, my family, friends, and my wonderful husband I will be just fine. Sure, I have days and will have them when I am scared, sad, or feel why me, but hey its okay and I know I will be okay.

I love u Roel we will plan a party celebration soon and go away for a needed rest.  You mean the world to me and thank u for being my heart and spirit.  I love u.....

Scared

Well I am coming around the stretch will be three weeks since the chemo next week and then I just go for herceptin.  I will be closely monitored to make sure my heart remains strong and okay during this treatment.  I should be happy that the tumor markers are down, but this week I have been so afraid.  Been thinking a lot about my dad, and then also you read about this cancer I have that you can be alive five years, ten years, fifteen years, you just do not know.  Being constantly scared like that is no way to live I know.  I will continue on and be happy, but there are times I feel abandoned by God.  Why did he do this to me? And then there are days I feel so strong and happy nothing can knock me over. 

I know taking one day at a time is all that I can do.  I am a lucky girl to have a wonderful husband who is always there for me.  He would take my pain away if he could I can see that in his eyes.  I have a loving family and am surrounded by so many wonderful friends, shoot they are friends but also my family too. 

Things could always be worse, I could be alone, and I am not.  I am grateful for each day that comes my way and just pray things continue to come our way in our life together for my husband and me. I cannot give up, I have to keep going.  I know I can make it through. I love you Roel......

Thursday was my last chemo last week

I was scared when I went to the doctor, but just wanted to get it done and when he confirmed it I was so happy, tumor markers came from 450 to 87.  Last chemo just need herceptin.  It is still frustrating because I have to go through things.  I have lost a friend a long the way who could not handle my illness, and gained many more for support.  The support is so helpful, a note, a hug, it just keeps me going. 

The chemo is hitting me a little hard, tired, achey, but tomorrow it will be one week so hopefully it will slowly get better.  My mom comes over to help me, my legs are weak right now so hard for me to walk or function but she has been so helpful.  My husband as well.  His support means the world to me.

I have to be strong, their are days when I dont feel it, I feel like crying, feel scared, but you know what it is okay.  It is normal.  I will make it one day at a time.  In three months blood tests and an echo to see how I am doing.  I pray every day it will be okay.....

4/28 chemo

Well chemo was last week, it was scary for me this time around, could not calm down, so afraid of the after affects.  Saturday the pains started, so I stuck with taking the pain medicine my doctor prescribed.  I hate taking pills, but the pain is so unbearable.  I have had a little rough week but slowly starting to get better. Been running fevers at night, aches and pains, stomach ache and nausea.  Believe me I have days where I want to give up.  Chemo is just not a nice thing, but I watch motivational stories of others who went through cancer and how they dealt with it.  Going to counciling now, and sometimes you learn that others are going through such a rougher time than you, and when you see them smile and their spirits up it keeps you going.

I hate asking for help but realized that I have to, the only way I will get through it is with help.  The help I get even from people who live miles away means so much to me.  A phone call, and letter, a note, means so much.

Today, well I am keeping my spirits each day I face what I have to get by. My energy is slowly starting to come back, and I slowly start to feel like myself.  I am scared though, still get scared, I had an echo tuesday have not heard yet, I guess no news is good news, but you still get scared.  I cannot even walk to get the mail anymore without feeling like I just walked a mile.  But like the saying is, I have cancer, but cancer does not have me.

I see smiles lately when I walk through the hospital half the time I do not even wear a scarf anymore, hey Im bald, so look at it people  lol.........now I know what sunburn on the head is, ouch not fun...lol...I do have to say I miss getting my hair done, that was always a pamper for me, but it will come back soon, and I will complain of bad hair days again. 

I miss my dad, but he is my angel who is taking care of me now.  I also have another angel Marcus a good friend their son passed away, I was not too much into prayer before this, but I do believe in angels and know they are there guiding me. Things could always be worse and whatever comes my way I have to continue to fight and move on.  With all the love I get I know I can do anything.

I slowly am getting my chemo rash but not as bad as before, hey could be worse right.  Things are slowly going to be okay I just wish I can stop being scared.

Chemo 4

Well this one hit me the hardests of all.  Very tired, bones ache I get in so much pain I can hardly walk or get up on my own.  It makes me cry, but I have to remain strong.  I have a long way to go for treatment of this.  Things are going good, tumors are shrinking, side effects well you just have to go with the flow.  I cannot give up on life, on getting better.  I have so much support from family, friends and my husband.  He sees me cry and wants to take my pain away.  I tell him it is okay, this will all pass and I will be okay again.

I sometimes wonder why so many things are not going my way, the passing of my father, me getting cancer for a second time.  You ask God why.  I listen to stories of others and see my situation as being lucky.  So many are going through what I am, I have met so many along the way that are helping me get through.  We help each other. 

Cancer is just a word, it will not control me, or take  me away from the ones I love.  Thank Roel for being my strength you help me more than you know.  And everyone out there with your notes, your emails, it means the world.

I get a port on Tuesday, small procedure a little nervous but hey not getting stuck all the time will be nice.  I have a long hall, I hear stories from others of people dying in my position, so who would not get scared, but I just have to remember everyone is different and things will work out.

some side effects and experience

Well after my stomach problems, the chemo rash came.  It is not the funniest thing that is for sure.  The rash starts out on my hands, and then to my chest and face.  It would not be too bad until it gets to my eyes and it is awful.  I hang in in there a lot of benadryl and just take one day at a time.  I also get numbness in my hands and feet.  But you just have to make it through that is all you can  do.

Well during the course of all of this my dad got ill.  His body was tired, and it was time for him to be with the angels.  It was hard for me to go to the hospital because I needed to stay away from sick people.  But I got a mask and went.  Telling him I loved him and holding his hand is something that I will always remember. 

I will also remember when Roel came home suddenly I thought he just forgot something and told me my dad is on a venitalator that he cannot breathe on his own.  I felt my world crushing down on me.  I keep thinking to myself he will bounce back and just get better, things will be okay.  Walking into the hospital that day and seeing him like that with tubes, and wires it was just an awful site.

My sister and her husband came out, and we all made the decision that it was time to let him go.  On Friday April 1st, he was removed from the machine with all of us there.  My dad opened his eyes and forever in my eyes I will see him reaching out to my mom and hugging her for the last time.  I just pray that he did not suffer, and that he finally found peace.  It was hard seeing him getting the tube removed, his reaction to all of that, he gripped my hand so tight.  I looked up at the monitor, and slowly saw his respirations go.  I whispered in his ear not to be afraid and we all told him that Jesus is waiting.  We were all there so he would not be afraid. 

My heart hurts so much to be without him, I just have to be strong, but sometimes I feel so weak.  My mom words Im sorry to my dad,, echo in my head. We all reassured her that what she did was the thing to do.  That my dads life would never be normal one anymore.  That his kidney was shutting down.  He would need dialysis, he could not walk.  He could not breathe without the machine.  We all hugged my mom and told her it was okay.  Now dad no longer needs to suffer anymore. His pain is all gone.

Tuesday this week is the viewing, and Wednesday my dad will be at his final resting place.  Things will be hard, I miss him so much but I know now he is no longer in pain.

I pray for strength so I can get better.  Thursday will be chemo #4.  I will go in and hold my head up high and know my dad will be with me holding my hand.  Love you Daddy!

Chemo Treatment

On March 17, treatment number 3.  Got good news from the doctor he said my tumor markers are down from 400 to 200 so the chemo is working.  Well it better be! You go through so much, your body just aches and for it now to work holy cow. 

The following day I was just so sick, my stomach would not settle at all.  I was so sick up all night.  When I finally got some relief on Saturday morning I was able to sleep but boy did it wipe me out.  You just never know what you will go through with this chemo.  It seems each time it is different.  You get frustrated that is for sure.  You dont want to be a burden but you just have no choice but to ask for help.  It took about four days for my stomach to calm down and then the body aches start.  Every joint in your body hurts even your fingers.  But I get up each day and function, not going to get down over this at all. 

It is wednesday today still hurt, but got up and did what I could in the house and will rest.  I am not going to give up you cannot. If you just sit there and let it control you it will win and cancer is not going to win.  I also joined a support group online which is great.  I have talked to several women and you know what my problems seem meek compared to them. 

One woman told me cancer is just a word, do not let it win.  Just be thankful each day you can wake up and see the sun.  It is true.  I am thankful for so much. I will never give up.  Thankful for all the prayers and support it helps me so much and makes me stronger every day.

Getting through the chemo side effects

I have to say that this time it is not easy.  I have so many side effects which are different to deal with .  Sure I lost my hair, but the rashes I get are awful.  It actually went on my face and eyes.  But, I stay positive and keep moving.  I just cannot let this beat me in anyway. 

I celebrated my birthday a few days before, and I sat back and thought I am 45 and have cancer. Wow, sometimes I keep thinking it is not true that I will wake up but then the reality sets in and I see it is true.  I get scared but with so much support I make it through. 

Next week is chemo week so back for the fight again.  I will keep moving and beat this thing and I will get my life back. 

My chemo and Herceptin Treatment

I went on Thurrsday February 24, 2011, saw the doctor first to ask questions and get things taken care of.  He tried to feel for the lump under my arm was hard to find this time which is great.  In the hospital the lump was about one inch and very sore. We learned a lot about diet and what is the best for me going through treatment.

My treatment went pretty good, took a while during my chemo treatment had a small reaction, got really flushed for a few seconds and then could not stop coughing. They got that under control and all was good. Then they hung my herceptin and that went in very good. I had no problems when I got home but I was tired it was a long day was there from 1:30 pm to 4:30 pm.  They have little tvs which are great, I watched the food channel yummy. 

I got home and ate felt a little nausea but not too bad.  Went to bed early to get some rest.

Got up today not too bad a little tired, my body is sore which is normal. Appetite kind of slight but make myself eat.  They told me 10 days after treatment to eat protein which will help me a lot get my strength.

I was really scared yesterday but kept my spirits up.  Went in positive and stayed strong.  This is such an experience you learn something each time you go to get treatment on what to do, what to eat and what will happen.  I am staying strong with so much support. 

Sometimes things are thrown your way it is how you look at them and approach them.  I am not giving up on anything that is for sure.  My next treatment March 17 so I get a three week break which is nice to recover. 

My husband has become such a great cook all healthy things and I feel great and the hugs and support from him help me so much.  Thank you!

I still cry especially when I see I am bald but then realize all I have in my life and the tears soon go away.  For the next 10 days I have to stay home since my immune system is low but that is okay I keep busy reading, working and doing things that keep me positive. Whatever it takes I do and I know I will be okay.

Alot has occured are you ready

Well I have not written in a while because hey cancer keeps you busy....lol..........but I know it will be over soon.

Everything came together again when my fever ran up to 102.5.   Roel took me to the ER and all tests were run again.  I was worried since I had the liver biospy something might have been wrong.  When I was lying on the table getting the biospy I looked up and saw my liver on the xray.  I saw the lesions and saw that it did not look good.  You want to think positive but sometimes you just know.

Of course I got in the hospital and got admitted.  Tests were run again for infection but everything came back fine.  The doctor sat down on the bed and let us know that the liver biospy came back positive for cancer cells.  It was a cancer spread from my breast.  I already knew, I asked if my oncologist could be contacted because I just wanted to get things done no more waiting. 

My doctor came and talked to my mom, Roel and me, we sat there scared wondering if there would be any treatment at all.  He told me that I can go through chemo, and get my first one here at the hospital to see how I do.  I was ready but scared.  They moved me to a private room which was nice I could rest and be alone. This was a thursday so I was all cleaned up and ready to go.  The chemo nurse came in and started my IV, I started to cry just felt so much emotions. Then the machine was turned on and here we go.  It took an hour and half to go in.  I felt okay, and when she took the IV out and removed the bag I knew hey I made it through number one.  I had some side effects, tiredness, body aches, felt a little nausea. This went on for about one week.  Well this Thursday I went to get the other drug to take Herpecin.  No side effects I was told.

Well boy did I have some......flu like symptoms.  Man it was awful, I would actually say that was worse then the big wammie chemo.  I let the doctor know I was afraid he was going to say to stop this medicine but he said all that was normal.  So the fight continues.

I go back on Thursday again for that medicine.  I am ready, you know this time around I have been more emotional.  I never cried last time not until the end.  This time I cry to let out my anger, and let out my frustration. 

I have to say there was one scarey moment in the hospital I was undecided if I should write it down.  My husband asked the doctor a worst case scenerio of my health.  The doctor said I could be at stage IV liver cancer and there is no cure.  I could not breath, I was scared, could not stop crying.  They had to give me anxiety medications to calm me down.  But, when the doctor came and told me chemo, I welcomed it. I knew the angel that has helped me through all of this is protecting me. 

My husband worries constantly about me, even my family, but hey I am okay. There are days I am sad, but I sit outside and enjoy the sun and realize there is so much to fight for.  I am not giving up!

new stuff

Well I have not written in a while a lot going on, so instead of finishing my story in the past which I can get back to, I will let you know what is going on now.  You always fear that cancer will come back, but you live your life because hey why should you just sit there and be miserable. 

I got myself really sick, I guess I should say, everyone kept telling me to go to the doctor but I kept putting it off.  Once I finally did, things just went so fast.  Nobody could figure out what was wrong, it went from pneumonia to kidney infection and then all of a sudden a blood clot in the lung.  I was hospitalized for two days given antibiotics and poked so many times my arms are covered with bruises. 

Sure you get frustrated, especially when I got admitted a lot of information was not given to me.  I was sitting in my hospital bed and someone comes in to give me a surgery consult. ??????????  They did a CT Scan of my chest to check for the blood clot and nothing was found and everything was good.  Well, apparently a lymph node under the left arm is swollen and suspicious.  My heart just dropped and I was told once I get out I will have to have a surgery consult and have it removed for biopsy.  Okay well you can get over it a bit but you still get scared. 

Then I get sent for a ultrasound, which I had no idea of, My husband and I just got frustrated that nobody was talking to us.  I went down and they were checking for damage to my organs.  Apparently, what I got was septicemia which is very very bad blood infection. 

I was sitting there after I came back and resting and my husband went home to get me some things.  The doctor came in.  Your ultrasound showed lesions on your liver which can be from a cancer spread.  I just stared at her.  I have had no biospy yet but everyone thinks I have cancer already.  Well of course she probably said other things but my mind went blank. I do remember asking her to call my oncologist to tell him what is going on.  He is one doctor who I trust and wanted him to be involved.  I called my husband and cried.  I was sitting there and one of the nurses came in and sat with me.  I just could not stop crying.  I felt lost, and I felt why me, what have I done so wrong to deserve all of this again.

My husband came back, and we cried.  It was hard.  We just had to get it out and we had to be strong. 

Well the next day I got released with follow-up in ten days.  I went in and saw my doctor and you know the funny feeling is I never really felt that bad through the whole thing, just tired.  My labs were starting to climb again.  She decided to send me to the ER again for more work up.  More pokes, IVs, it just hurts.  Everyone was concerned with my heart rate being high.  Well when you tell someone they may have cancer what do you expect? Everytime the doctor came in my room I could feel my heart drop.  Thinking what now!

In between this, my oncologist called and decided he wants the liver biopsy done first so everything was canceled with the surgeon and this was in the works to be done. 

After being there for over six hours and given fluids, getting another CT Scan of the chest and giving blood and urine samples well...........I hear we are puzzeled and the other doctors suggest you just go home.  Monitor your temps and talk to the nurse in the morning.  Ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We went straight to my moms house and went out to eat I was so hungry did not eat all day.

Well had the call with the nurse and everything was good. No Fevers, nothing.  Then I get the call from my doctor follow up labs and appointment on Friday.  AH!!!  So went to the lab again for more poking....blood cultures, cbc, liver test, ua. 

Go in to see my doctor in the morning we were there for over four hours.  Testing my blood pressure, I also checked things at home which I should say was quite lower than being there.  Orthostatics, my oxygen levels.  She consulted another doctor, who was suggesting a CT of the Abdomen.  So, we were waiting to see what we had to do.  Since I did not spike any temps and my blood pressures and pulse were lower at home, that test was canceled.  The figured it out to be anxiety...Ha, I could have told them that.

I got released, and now am awaiting the liver biopsy which will be done on Monday at 11:00 am.  I have a feeling it will be a long month but all you can do is take one day at a time and just be happy. 

I have been getting a lot of prayers and support and they mean so much.  I am so happy for all my friends and family who are there for me.  My husband who tells me it will be okay.  And you know what it will be okay whatever this test shows I will face it and face it strong and not give up.