Well it has taken me a bit to write this time, been kind of emotional lately. Sometimes it gets frustrating having to go every three weeks, but it is something I just need to do. I always push myself afterwards too, I got yelled at LOL....but I just feel if I do not I am giving in. Maybe that is wrong. These past two days I have been hurting, My legs have felt awful with my joints just hurting. Just a small price to pay I have to think of it that way. There were times I held pills in my hand, wanted to end it all, felt that I was such a burden to everyone. That my heart was just empty. Feeling pain and aches all the time is not fun, I can only walk the most an hour without my knees hurting, or my feet. I ended up with neuropathy which I hope will go away but it might not. My husband is very supportive and told me to just take it slow, that is all we need to do. We have a wheelchair in case I need it so I can do things and go places and not worry that if I hurt I can rest.
I just do not understand sometimes, I try to come up with ways on why I got the disease, what did I do wrong, because it just has to be something. I even researched the neighborhood to see if other people got cancer maybe there was some cause. But really, it is just my life unfolding. I feel a burden I do and sometimes just wish I can do the things I could do before, but I cannot. People worry when I get depressed but it is a part of it, sometimes I just need to cry. It is sort of a cleansing for me. But I also have been hurt, trying to make friends with some people, only to be rejected, and some leaving because they feel their problems are more important. When you are going through this surrounding yourself with positive people help so much, so I guess those people who left I should feel would have brought me down. Who needs that. You sit sometimes and hope for visits, but they never come, so I realize that the ones that are there are the ones my heart should focus on. I never hate people, I just do not understand that it only takes five minutes to say hey you okay. I do not even get that from some people who are actual family....it is sad. You do not realize how much those little things mean to me. How much they keep me going. But I also realized that my husband, my heart, is the one who always takes that time. He will text me he loves me, call during the day, rub my legs when I am in pain at night and feet. It is hard sometimes to get rid of hurt, but eventually your heart fills with love from the ones who really have it to give.
I am lucky I have found friends along the way who I met on facebook, we are breast cancer sisters and help each other, and I have my family, my husband and mom who keep me strong. They help me when I do not feel good. It is amazing could not imagine being alone. I am told having good and bad days are normal. I just have to remember there is HOPE. I do have that. Love you Daddy and miss you very much. I feel your loving arms hug me when I am sad, you are my angel. I love you Roel without you my heart would be so lonely. You fill my heart with love..
My story will continue and my writing continues to help my soul heal one day breast cancer will hopefully be gone forever.
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