Chemo 4

Well this one hit me the hardests of all.  Very tired, bones ache I get in so much pain I can hardly walk or get up on my own.  It makes me cry, but I have to remain strong.  I have a long way to go for treatment of this.  Things are going good, tumors are shrinking, side effects well you just have to go with the flow.  I cannot give up on life, on getting better.  I have so much support from family, friends and my husband.  He sees me cry and wants to take my pain away.  I tell him it is okay, this will all pass and I will be okay again.

I sometimes wonder why so many things are not going my way, the passing of my father, me getting cancer for a second time.  You ask God why.  I listen to stories of others and see my situation as being lucky.  So many are going through what I am, I have met so many along the way that are helping me get through.  We help each other. 

Cancer is just a word, it will not control me, or take  me away from the ones I love.  Thank Roel for being my strength you help me more than you know.  And everyone out there with your notes, your emails, it means the world.

I get a port on Tuesday, small procedure a little nervous but hey not getting stuck all the time will be nice.  I have a long hall, I hear stories from others of people dying in my position, so who would not get scared, but I just have to remember everyone is different and things will work out.

some side effects and experience

Well after my stomach problems, the chemo rash came.  It is not the funniest thing that is for sure.  The rash starts out on my hands, and then to my chest and face.  It would not be too bad until it gets to my eyes and it is awful.  I hang in in there a lot of benadryl and just take one day at a time.  I also get numbness in my hands and feet.  But you just have to make it through that is all you can  do.

Well during the course of all of this my dad got ill.  His body was tired, and it was time for him to be with the angels.  It was hard for me to go to the hospital because I needed to stay away from sick people.  But I got a mask and went.  Telling him I loved him and holding his hand is something that I will always remember. 

I will also remember when Roel came home suddenly I thought he just forgot something and told me my dad is on a venitalator that he cannot breathe on his own.  I felt my world crushing down on me.  I keep thinking to myself he will bounce back and just get better, things will be okay.  Walking into the hospital that day and seeing him like that with tubes, and wires it was just an awful site.

My sister and her husband came out, and we all made the decision that it was time to let him go.  On Friday April 1st, he was removed from the machine with all of us there.  My dad opened his eyes and forever in my eyes I will see him reaching out to my mom and hugging her for the last time.  I just pray that he did not suffer, and that he finally found peace.  It was hard seeing him getting the tube removed, his reaction to all of that, he gripped my hand so tight.  I looked up at the monitor, and slowly saw his respirations go.  I whispered in his ear not to be afraid and we all told him that Jesus is waiting.  We were all there so he would not be afraid. 

My heart hurts so much to be without him, I just have to be strong, but sometimes I feel so weak.  My mom words Im sorry to my dad,, echo in my head. We all reassured her that what she did was the thing to do.  That my dads life would never be normal one anymore.  That his kidney was shutting down.  He would need dialysis, he could not walk.  He could not breathe without the machine.  We all hugged my mom and told her it was okay.  Now dad no longer needs to suffer anymore. His pain is all gone.

Tuesday this week is the viewing, and Wednesday my dad will be at his final resting place.  Things will be hard, I miss him so much but I know now he is no longer in pain.

I pray for strength so I can get better.  Thursday will be chemo #4.  I will go in and hold my head up high and know my dad will be with me holding my hand.  Love you Daddy!