Breast Cancer

Breast Cancer

Friday, October 28, 2011

Scared at times

Halloween just around the corner kind of funny huh.....Well, last Friday I became very ill, little did I know at the time it was food poisening.  I was throwing up, diarrhea, but what scared me, is that is how I started when I got sick the first time before my cancer showed up.  I had such aches and pains, I just kept apologizing to my husband each time I got sick, and he was so scared looking at me.  I finally had my mom come over, just did not want my honey to be alone.  I hugged him and told him I was tired of being scared.  Every little pain, little jerk and I just am afraid I have to hear that word again. Cancer......

I continue to be brave, keep trying to be strong, but some days it is hard.  I have met so many friends who have filled my life with joy I am lucky.  My mom, and husband are here constantly for me.  Then you have some who are right around the corner and seem like they are so far.  Very sad.  I do have some great friends though, Sophia, Andy, Caroline who always check on me.  It means so much.  I have my best friend in Chicago who always thinks of me. I had one friend who wanted to pray with me, I was so touched with that.  A small note just brightens my spirit.  I light up for days.  People telling me that I am a strong, that I inspire, well, I light up because you just can never give up in life.  You have to keep going even if you hit stumbles.  I support my friends going through cancer on facebook with notes and they support me.  We keep each other going, I would love one day to meet even just one of them. 

Blogging helps me get my feelings down, explain what I go through each time.  Then when i read it wow, I cannot believe it was me.  I cannot believe that next week is treatment week again.  I get my echo, labs and see the doctor too.  Big week but we will just take a deep breathe and move forward. 

I think wow, what a year it has been, but this year has made me stronger than ever.  You wonder why things constantly seem to go wrong at times, but then you sit back and remember the good times and it makes you smile. Those times are in my heart, and keep me going each day.  My husband's smile keeps me strong.  And all the friends I have met with their notes of support helps so much.

Sure I have those days of being sad, scared but considering what I have been through a little tears is okay...........just everyone be there with those hugs.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

October 13 Herceptin Day

Well it has taken me a bit to write this time, been kind of emotional lately.  Sometimes it gets frustrating having to go every three weeks, but it is something I just need to do. I always push myself afterwards too, I got yelled at LOL....but I just feel if I do not I am giving in.  Maybe that is wrong.  These past two days I have been hurting, My legs have felt awful with my joints just hurting.  Just a small price to pay I have to think of it that way.  There were times I held pills in my hand, wanted to end it all, felt that I was such a burden to everyone.  That my heart was just empty.  Feeling pain and aches all the time is not fun, I can only walk the most an hour without my knees hurting, or my feet.  I ended up with neuropathy which I hope will go away but it might not.  My husband is very supportive and told me to just take it slow, that is all we need to do.  We have a wheelchair in case I need it so I can do things and go places and not worry that if I hurt I can rest.

I just do not understand sometimes, I try to come up with ways on why I got the disease, what did I do wrong, because it just has to be something. I even researched the neighborhood to see if other people got cancer maybe there was some cause.   But really, it is just my life unfolding.  I feel a burden I do and sometimes just wish I can do the things I could do before, but I cannot.  People worry when I get depressed but it is a part of it, sometimes I just need to cry.  It is sort of a cleansing for me.  But I also have been hurt, trying to make friends with some people, only to be rejected, and some leaving because they feel their problems are more important.  When you are going through this surrounding yourself with positive people help so much, so I guess those people who left I  should feel would have brought me down.  Who needs that. You sit sometimes and hope for visits, but they never come, so I realize that the ones that are there are the ones my heart should focus on.  I never hate people, I just do not understand that it only takes five minutes to say hey you okay.  I do not even get that from some people who are actual family....it is sad.  You do not realize how much those little things mean to me.  How much they keep me going.  But I also realized that my husband, my heart, is the one who always takes that time.  He will text me he loves me, call during the day, rub my legs when I am in pain at night and feet.  It is hard sometimes to get rid of hurt, but eventually your heart fills with love from the ones who really have it to give. 

I am lucky I have found friends along the way who I met on facebook, we are breast cancer sisters and help each other, and I have my family, my husband and mom who keep me strong.  They help me when I do not feel good.  It is amazing could not imagine being alone.  I am told having good and bad days are normal.  I just have to remember there is HOPE.  I do have that.  Love you Daddy and miss you very much.  I feel your loving arms hug me when I am sad, you are my angel.  I love you Roel without you my heart would be so lonely.  You fill my heart with love.. 

My story will continue and my writing continues to help my soul heal one day breast cancer will hopefully be gone forever.