Breast Cancer

Breast Cancer

Monday, June 25, 2012

Cancer Follow up June 25, 2012

Not sure where to begin a lot has happened since my last blog.  In March 2012, a CT scan was taken because my tumor markers went up.  Well, they found another tumor on my 5th rib.  Let me tell you it hurts sometimes when I bend down.  The doctor added Tykerb a new medication, which has so many side effects.  I get acne, fun, my scalp gets irritated and I have stomach problems.  I think a day does not go by when I do not feel tired.  Let's just say frustration hits sometimes and I just need to vent.

I have not seen some of my in law since hmmm Thanksgiving.....and they live just 15 miles away.  But I am lucky to have my mom, who comes over every day to help me clean, lift heavy things and take me shopping.  There are days I just cannot function on my own.  Her helping me means so much, but I know deep down I think she wishes I was well enough so she can leave.  I feel bad she feels she needs to stay all the time, I feel bad for always needing help.

My husband is amazing.  He is always by my side.  It means so much his support, he always tells me I am beautiful, and picks me up when I am down.  He is my strength and I am so lucky he is in my life.  I know it is hard for him.  He works so hard.  If I could win a million dollars maybe that would make less stress for us.  Shoot that would make less stress for anyone.  I am just thankful for what I have.  I am so thankful for him.

I have great friends out there.  Not only the ones I met on facebook, but Andy and Sophia who I love with all my heart. They took us away for the weekend and it was so wonderful.  To look at the mountains, and the trees, and just relax meant the world to me.  I could not stop crying because they thought of us.  They always hug me and make me feel that things will be okay.  Believe me I need that more than you know.  My friend Karen in Chicago...I love her with all my heart.  I am so lucky to have people who love me, worry about me, and always say they are there.  They are I know they are I can feel it.

As you can tell by me writing I am frustrated.  I get frustrated because I feel cancer has taken a part of me.  The once happy girl running around doing for others sometimes does not even have the strength to do for herself.  There are days I get scared, angry, sad, but then I realize things could always be worse.  I am lucky for the love in my life which keeps me strong each day.  The doctor now is doing CT scan every three months instead of the tumor markers so I guess I will have a nervous stomach in three months LOL...but it makes me feel reassured that things are going okay and are stable.  I am lucky, and I am not giving up that is for sure.

They say people with cancer never ask for help, always say they are fine, and you know what it is true.  It is hard for me to ask for help, but I guess it is time I say yes I need it.  Whoever wants to give it please give it.  Hugs is what I need, and love is the only thing I ask for.  I have a wonderful family filled with nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, and a sister and a mom.  Dad I know you are up there.  :) A husband who is an angel, who makes me smile every day.

I know I get cranky, sometimes and I get sad, but everyone do not give up now.  The love out there is what I need and when I have it, I know I can win!

Monday, April 9, 2012

Monday April 9 2012

Well I got my treatment last week on Thursday.  Labs seem to be doing well, liver results are starting to get better.  That is good news.  I still get a pain in my ribs now it is on both side from the other tumor.  In May I get my echo and tumor markers so I will know if this new medicine is working.

My new medicine Tykerb which I started the day after valentines day, is not fun at times.  I get rashes, dry skin, scalp irritation, but what can you do but hope it works.  I do get stomach problems at times so I kind of just go with it.  You have to.

I get scared still, seeing other people having problems like me, or there cancer coming back, or more cancer is found.  I have to remember we are all different.  We are fighting but we all have different fights. Each cancer just requires that one thing to help it get better, well in a way make it go away for a while.

My cancer sucks, it is something I have to live with the rest of my life.  I worry about my husband, sometimes he looks at me and seems so scared, but when I am scared he remains so strong for me.

I have those days of feeling lost, just needing to be around my husband.  The other day I was in the store, and we lost each other, I started to cry.  I just felt lost because I could not find him.  In a way I feel this way about my cancer.  It makes me feel so lost at times.  But, I cannot remain that way for long otherwise the cancer will have won and we cannot make it win.

It has been a year for this fight already.  I continue to fight on, and with all my friends, family, and husband I will continue to win.  Sure, there will be bumps you hit.  But those bumps make your stronger, and make you know that you can never give up.

I continue to go to counseling, it helps, and it makes me realize I am not crazy for feeling these things.  I learn to channel these fears into something positive and that is what makes me continue to grow.

Each day is a new day for me, that is how I treat it. I wake up with a smile, and I go on with my day.  Sure, I cry at times, but you know what it is okay to cry.  You let out the hurt, and anger, and then you can sit up and then move on.

I love you Roel, thank you for being my heart.......< strength, my courage, and thank you for loving me on those days I have a rash face LOL....Thank you mom, for helping me, it means the world.  Thank you friends for being there, and thank you family and friends for the love.

C- can never make me weak
A- always will be strong
N- Never will I give up
C- can never take my smile
E-  Everyone will be there for support
R- Remember you are never alone.............

Sunday, March 4, 2012

March 4, 2012......Been through a lot since last blog

Not sure where to start sometimes....seem kind of lost.  I did get my CT-Scan done, everything seems to be the same except for a new tumor by my fifth rib 5 cm large.  I was wondering why I would bend down I would get a  sudden pain, just thought I hurt myself.  Well, I continue with the Herceptin IV, and a new medicine.  Due to a lot of these meds affecting  my bones I get IV bone strengthener, armidex and a new one Tybert.  The tybert can be rough sometimes. It gives me tummy troubles, makes me tired, nausea, headaches and rashes.  Fun stuff otherwise hey I am good LOL...Hopefully, this will shrink the new tumor down, if it does not I need to get radiation.

Sometimes you feel like you are taking one step forward and then two back.  I get frustrated, angry.  I started to get depressed again and decided I needed to see my psych doctor.  My medication was increased a little bit because I was just experiencing so much anxiety, depression.  It seems to help, and I am hanging in there.

I get negative sometimes, about what I am going through, even about things around me.  I feel hurt if some people do not come around, or have the time to see me, but then in another breath I forgive and understand.  I go back and forth with feelings and emotions. I worry about my mom, my husband.   I told my husband one day I just wanted a normal life.  He said to me, what actually is normal.  It is different for everyone. So true.

I just take each day as it comes now, face it, process it and then figure out how to deal with it.  I have a lot of support and love and I need to focus on that, embrace it and let it in.  When I get side effects from my meds it frustrates me, my joints hurt, my thumbs pop out of joint, and other stuff.  Things could be worse I have to remember that and not give up. Let the negative things go, focus on what is around that is positive.  See the positive in every thing I do.

Staying strong can be hard, but it does keep me going to face another day.  Hearing that someone has passed from cancer is hard, it scares me. I ask God why? I really do not understand why things happen. Why, life has to be so hard.  Maybe one day I will figure out those answers, but that is something I need to do on my own.

I celebrated my birthday March 2, 46 years old.  Cannot believe it has come by already.  I felt a lot of love, was surrounded by the ones who care, what else could you ask for......I keep striving for another day, and will continue to do so. Stay strong all my friends, and never give up.......

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Herceptin Treatment 1-12-12.

I skipped posting about one herceptin treatment in December..sometimes it is hard coming up with the words so I just let it go until I am ready.

It seems after my treatment after one hour goes by I get the chills really bad.  I pile up those blankets to keep warm, and boy does my body ache.  Sleeping, well I seem to not be able to get enough.  You take different medicines but you never really know what causes what anymore.

I get sad at times.  Think of those who are sick.  Wish I had a way to make them feel better.  I wish for tons of money to help others, if it would make their life easier.  I never really wish for myself because I have really what I need.  I loving husband who is always there, wonderful friends, and dog who never judges me, and my mom and family.  Some days you need that support to get through.  It gets scary when you get a ache or pain, you right away think the worst and all it is, is a pulled muscle.  When I dream, I dream my life as being normal, I walk without pain, I have beautiful skin, feel great and have so much energy.  Then I wake up and look in the mirror and see my port, my scars and know that it is nice to dream but you have to face reality and learn to deal with it.

I have made a lot of friends throughout my journey, some of them I wonder how they stay so strong.  How do they continue on.......I see posts that warm my heart on facebook, and even though they hurt they will leave a message wishing others well.  Those people I admire, I am thankful for, they keep me going each and every day.  When I hear that one has died my heart sinks.  I wish their pain could have been taken away.  Did I help them, make them smile.

When I wake up, I realize another day has come, a day to fight, and a day to greet it with a smile.  Sure, I have my days, sometimes you need to just cry, and then the next day comes, you pick yourself up and face the world again.

I noticed as we get older families change.  I watch them drift apart, for reasons I never  understand.  Mostly because they are busy.  It seems family will hurt you the most, of course you still love them.  You would be there for them no matter what, but that hurt is more painful then one from a friend.  I hope all my family realizes spending time together should be considered precious, a small note, email, card, means the world.  You never know how long you have on this earth, so loving one another should just be something to do every day.

Unfortunately, families realize it when it is too late.  Some families only get together at funerals to say good bye.  To me, all the time was wasted when you could have been with that person while they were still here. But, we all get busy, we all have our own problems.  You know what, Cancer is one problem I am sure nobody would want to deal with.  If they had it they would realize losing material things is nothing, they are things, but losing your life and having to fight every single day to stay well, is more a problem than every day life.  Cancer patients, make things look easy, we never ask for help, never say we hurt, never admit we are in pain so you figure huh, she is fine.  Dealing with metastatic breast cancer or any cancer the fear of it returning is always with us.  When it comes back, then the fear of dying is there.  You hear those words in your head, I am sorry, You have Cancer, and they never go away.  But we continue to smile, get up each day and say today I will live my life to its fullest.

So, remember your problems, losing your home, unable to pay bills, minor, because a cancer patient wonders  is today the just be there for them, hug them, and guess what your problems can be fixed, cancer cannot so just smile and be thankful you can live.......

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

November 30 Herceptin day

Well I went in waiting for my results. My tumor markers went from 127 to 137.  Of course sure I was worried but the doctor said not to worry.  So hmm what do you do? I guess not worry LOL......I feel really good otherwise.  This treatment though knocked me out.  I had fever and chills that night and felt so sick.  It took me about four days to actually feel myself.  My body just ached all over.  Skipping a week because I was sick really made a difference.  I ended up hurting my arm, which I have no idea how I did it.  It hurts when you touch it, a burning feeling.  Saw the doctor and he said a strained muscle.  At first he thought maybe shingles, but nothing appeared thank goodness for that.  So, of course it still hurts, because I continue to not rest it.  It actually started to get better and then started to hurt all over again.  I figure it is just something you have to live with for a while. It always seems something comes in the mist of stuff, but I guess it is how you look at it and deal with it is how you can over come it.

I take each day as it comes.  It is crazy sometimes.  I do get scared but try to keep on moving along.  Family stuff is really different this year.  It is amazing how Thanksgiving turned out.  That is another story not worth getting into anymore.  You would think everyone wants to get together to spend time with each other, but it just seems so miserable.

I have tried to get into reading again, but just cannot focus.  One of the lady's at treatment day, she was so cute.  It was her last chemo and she said I have been reading this same book for over six months.  I just cannot retain anything.  But look at it this way, every time I pick up the book it is like starting a brand new novel all over again.  :) I always have to go back and read it again because I cannot retain the information.  I thought I was the only one.  LOL... Boy did that make me feel better, I have been reading the same Stephen King book since April LOL.......

I miss my mom but was glad she took time for her.  She needed that.  I am glad because today she will be back.  Cannot wait to see her.  Missing my dad this year is going to be hard thing to handle but I will make it through.  He is with me everywhere I go.  I can feel him this time.  He protects me and it feels really good.  My husband also protects me and makes me feel so good as well.  He picks me up and always makes me feel better.  I am a lucky girl and his strength means so much.

Emotionally, what can I say, I have changed a bit, I do not sweat the small stuff anymore.  I just do not try too hard now if someone wants to be in my life great if not well I am too tired to try anymore.  It is sad and makes me sad, but what can you do.  I end up getting hurt when I get rejected time and time again, so I have decided to no longer give the effort.  Maybe that seems so awful, they say you have to forgive.  Sure, I forgive, I do not have any hate, just will not try anymore.  I need to focus on the ones who are there.  The ones that make my heart filled with love.

I am lucky for the support of friends, family and loved ones.  Each day that will keep me going and keep me smiling.  All I can say is I will never give up.  My next treatment December 22.  Boy, can you believe Christmas time.  Dad, I miss you, April 1 you left this world, but you are my angel, I love and miss you very much.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Lab Test Tomorrow and treatment day Wednesday

I know it is normal being scared, but I am tired of being afraid.  I wish some of my friends were closer to me as in distance sometimes I could use their hugs more than ever.  Now is that time.  I feel a little lost writing this today.  Well I have a cold, but that is greatly getting better, my arm hurts so bad, in a certain place if you poke it I feel a burning pain in it.  If I reach it hurts.  My thumbs pop in and out like they are going to come out of joint.  It started of course after I saw my doctor for the cold to make sure my lungs were clear.  Which they were :).  I was trying to do something simple like take laundry out of the dryer and it just hurt.  I guess I am more frustrated then sad. 

Never a dull moment that is for sure, I cry sure, I have to, my counselor told me that is part of healing.  It feels good sometimes to just let it out in tears.  He told me if people do not understand just tell them why.  It scares my husband I know but I have to let it out.  Sometimes I do it when he does not see, I do not want him to worry.

I miss my mom a bit she helps me so much but so glad she has gone to visit my sister and rest.  She needed that. 

On facebook I was doing who I was grateful for each day but suddenly I just stopped.  Well, I guess I lost the mood for that. I am thankful do not get me wrong, but I just haven't the spirit to go through it right now.

I know I am grateful for my friends close by, who visit me, hug me and send me notes.  The ones far away you are in my heart.  My husband deserves a medal for all the stuff he goes through, I always feel like I burden him but he says no.  He is my heart.  It is forever. 

Some people will never understand what we go through ever day.  Some even fake their kindness.  It just does not matter anymore, because I have no more strength to try, to call, or cry over these people anymore.  I do not want to waste the time.  I am going to smile and be happy and sure I get down sometimes, normal, but you will never know because of my smile.  But do remember I am strong, I will never ask for help, but it does not mean I do not need a hug or to be told it is okay.  Remember that.  :)

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Herceptin day, and results November 3, 2011

Well never look forward to hearing results of anything.  We went :) nervous, my echo is great my heart is fine, but my tumor markers have come up from 77 to 127.  So, in three weeks we need that checked again. If still rising need a scan to make sure nothing is happening.  Well my heart sunk and my husband saw the fear on my face.  The doctor explained we check this every three months to make sure, you are on the best medicines so no worries okay. 

Well, how can you not worry, but with that you have to continue to go on.  Smile and tell everyone when they ask you how are u? Well, I am just fine. LOL....but inside I am screaming. Ah!!!

Roel is worried, so am I, but we smile and just keep moving you have to.  With my disease things are bound to come up.  I guess I will always have that fear always. 

My joints still hurt at times, the doctor said all the symptoms I have are from my medicine Armidez.  Joint pain, bloated stomach, and hot flashes.  Hey I can make it he wanted to give me more meds for that ah no that is okay. 

So, will let you know what is to come in three weeks.  Emotionally, I go back and forth, but hey it is going to be okay.  I have the best husband in the world.  I am one lucky girl.  And I met so many friends along the way.  All I can say is your prayers and hugs mean so much.  I am going to make it, you bet I am!