Breast Cancer

Breast Cancer

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Lab Test Tomorrow and treatment day Wednesday

I know it is normal being scared, but I am tired of being afraid.  I wish some of my friends were closer to me as in distance sometimes I could use their hugs more than ever.  Now is that time.  I feel a little lost writing this today.  Well I have a cold, but that is greatly getting better, my arm hurts so bad, in a certain place if you poke it I feel a burning pain in it.  If I reach it hurts.  My thumbs pop in and out like they are going to come out of joint.  It started of course after I saw my doctor for the cold to make sure my lungs were clear.  Which they were :).  I was trying to do something simple like take laundry out of the dryer and it just hurt.  I guess I am more frustrated then sad. 

Never a dull moment that is for sure, I cry sure, I have to, my counselor told me that is part of healing.  It feels good sometimes to just let it out in tears.  He told me if people do not understand just tell them why.  It scares my husband I know but I have to let it out.  Sometimes I do it when he does not see, I do not want him to worry.

I miss my mom a bit she helps me so much but so glad she has gone to visit my sister and rest.  She needed that. 

On facebook I was doing who I was grateful for each day but suddenly I just stopped.  Well, I guess I lost the mood for that. I am thankful do not get me wrong, but I just haven't the spirit to go through it right now.

I know I am grateful for my friends close by, who visit me, hug me and send me notes.  The ones far away you are in my heart.  My husband deserves a medal for all the stuff he goes through, I always feel like I burden him but he says no.  He is my heart.  It is forever. 

Some people will never understand what we go through ever day.  Some even fake their kindness.  It just does not matter anymore, because I have no more strength to try, to call, or cry over these people anymore.  I do not want to waste the time.  I am going to smile and be happy and sure I get down sometimes, normal, but you will never know because of my smile.  But do remember I am strong, I will never ask for help, but it does not mean I do not need a hug or to be told it is okay.  Remember that.  :)

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