new stuff

Well I have not written in a while a lot going on, so instead of finishing my story in the past which I can get back to, I will let you know what is going on now.  You always fear that cancer will come back, but you live your life because hey why should you just sit there and be miserable. 

I got myself really sick, I guess I should say, everyone kept telling me to go to the doctor but I kept putting it off.  Once I finally did, things just went so fast.  Nobody could figure out what was wrong, it went from pneumonia to kidney infection and then all of a sudden a blood clot in the lung.  I was hospitalized for two days given antibiotics and poked so many times my arms are covered with bruises. 

Sure you get frustrated, especially when I got admitted a lot of information was not given to me.  I was sitting in my hospital bed and someone comes in to give me a surgery consult. ??????????  They did a CT Scan of my chest to check for the blood clot and nothing was found and everything was good.  Well, apparently a lymph node under the left arm is swollen and suspicious.  My heart just dropped and I was told once I get out I will have to have a surgery consult and have it removed for biopsy.  Okay well you can get over it a bit but you still get scared. 

Then I get sent for a ultrasound, which I had no idea of, My husband and I just got frustrated that nobody was talking to us.  I went down and they were checking for damage to my organs.  Apparently, what I got was septicemia which is very very bad blood infection. 

I was sitting there after I came back and resting and my husband went home to get me some things.  The doctor came in.  Your ultrasound showed lesions on your liver which can be from a cancer spread.  I just stared at her.  I have had no biospy yet but everyone thinks I have cancer already.  Well of course she probably said other things but my mind went blank. I do remember asking her to call my oncologist to tell him what is going on.  He is one doctor who I trust and wanted him to be involved.  I called my husband and cried.  I was sitting there and one of the nurses came in and sat with me.  I just could not stop crying.  I felt lost, and I felt why me, what have I done so wrong to deserve all of this again.

My husband came back, and we cried.  It was hard.  We just had to get it out and we had to be strong. 

Well the next day I got released with follow-up in ten days.  I went in and saw my doctor and you know the funny feeling is I never really felt that bad through the whole thing, just tired.  My labs were starting to climb again.  She decided to send me to the ER again for more work up.  More pokes, IVs, it just hurts.  Everyone was concerned with my heart rate being high.  Well when you tell someone they may have cancer what do you expect? Everytime the doctor came in my room I could feel my heart drop.  Thinking what now!

In between this, my oncologist called and decided he wants the liver biopsy done first so everything was canceled with the surgeon and this was in the works to be done. 

After being there for over six hours and given fluids, getting another CT Scan of the chest and giving blood and urine samples well...........I hear we are puzzeled and the other doctors suggest you just go home.  Monitor your temps and talk to the nurse in the morning.  Ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We went straight to my moms house and went out to eat I was so hungry did not eat all day.

Well had the call with the nurse and everything was good. No Fevers, nothing.  Then I get the call from my doctor follow up labs and appointment on Friday.  AH!!!  So went to the lab again for more poking....blood cultures, cbc, liver test, ua. 

Go in to see my doctor in the morning we were there for over four hours.  Testing my blood pressure, I also checked things at home which I should say was quite lower than being there.  Orthostatics, my oxygen levels.  She consulted another doctor, who was suggesting a CT of the Abdomen.  So, we were waiting to see what we had to do.  Since I did not spike any temps and my blood pressures and pulse were lower at home, that test was canceled.  The figured it out to be anxiety...Ha, I could have told them that.

I got released, and now am awaiting the liver biopsy which will be done on Monday at 11:00 am.  I have a feeling it will be a long month but all you can do is take one day at a time and just be happy. 

I have been getting a lot of prayers and support and they mean so much.  I am so happy for all my friends and family who are there for me.  My husband who tells me it will be okay.  And you know what it will be okay whatever this test shows I will face it and face it strong and not give up. 

Have not written in a while

Sometimes when writing about this it brings back a lot of old feelings I guess I needed to step back a bit and remember in life what I am thankful for.  You think that the experience would go away but there are times I remember that day the doctor looked into my eyes and told me I had breast cancer.

But being now almost three years away from it, I can say what a different person it has made me.  It made me stronger, wiser, and I never take anything for granted in life anymore.  I have so many people in my life that help me smile, and sure we shed some tears who doesnt, but giving up was never an option for me then or now.

So many people suffer from this disease CANCER it is so disturbing.  They struggle, they fight, and never give up. One day this world will not hear of this disease anymore and we can all be happy that it is gone.  It has taken so many loved ones from me, and I am sure from everyone.  You hear that word and all of sudden doom and gloom hits.

I hope that sharing what I went through can help someone and they realize that hey you will be okay.  Whatever is to happen, will and I will face it with open eyes and an open heart. 

First Oncology Visit

Well the day came, my first visit to an oncologist.  Oh boy, I was sitting in the waiting room looking around and just could not believe I was there.  Kept thinking it was a dream.  Once my name was called I went back. Was roomed and tried to relax.  You see as soon as I hear the word cancer my mind goes blank.  I am lucky that my husband came with me to every appointment.  He was my eyes and ears and my support.  I would not have made it through any of this without him. 

The doctor came in aw he was great. Great personality and he talked to me a bit.  He told me four chemo treatments were needed.  We dont know if any cancer cells went through any other part of the body so we need to get them.  He told me I needed to go to a chemo class.  The nurse would go over everything needed and what to expect from my treatments.  Okay Chemo Class..hahahaha, that was a good one. 

We asked questions well my husband did, I still could not comprehend why? The doctor told me the nurse would call and set me up for class.  Once I went through my class then my chemo would be scheduled.  So trying to make myself laugh if I fail the class do I not have to go....lol.....dont think it works that way but you have to laugh about it.

It took about two days and I got the call, got set up for my class in the morning on a Monday.  My husband wanted to come and I was glad he was.  I just kept telling myself things will be okay just have to keep going and not give up.

We went to class, a very nice nurse was there and she handed me a folder.  Another gentleman was there as well taking the class with me.  I kept wondering what kind of cancer does he have.  I hope things work out for him okay. The nurse told me what to expect, losing my hair and so on.  Not to eat fatty foods after, and there is always a nurse to call if there are any questions.  The folder contained wig information, and classes I can go to to help with my hair and skin problems.  But I just took the folder and put it down did not want to look at it too much.

Once the class was over, me and the other gentleman shook hands and wished each other luck. We wished each other well in our fate.  So I took my husbands hand and we went to go down stairs to get the car.

As I walked outside, for the first time it just hit hard what I was going through.  My husband saw my face and walked me over to sit down.  I started crying, not because I felt sorry for myself but I was just scared. Sure it is normal, but this stuff was going to go through my body and I had to just let it to get better. I cannot believe it!

We got the car and went home.  I felt better and was awaiting a call from the oncology nurse to schedule my first chemo appointment.  I was hoping maybe they would not call, or maybe have a wrong number for me..but you know that would never happen. 

I received the call, and got set up for two weeks from my class appointment. Well, lets just say fear set in again.  I called the nurse because I was trying to postpone it even longer. She said it is best to get started as soon as you can once you get going it will be okay. Dont be afraid we are all here for you.

I let my husband know that every two weeks on a Thursday would be my day.  He told me he wanted to come with me and sit and that meant the world to me.  I did not want to be alone and I knew once this journey starts I would never be.

Surgeon Follow-up appointment

Well the time came I was excited get the drain out which was hurting so much and get my dressing looked at.  Was feeling good.  The doctor came in and removed the drain, my husband and I have seen that in the military so many times never knew how it would feel. A lot of fluid came out, the drain was kinked a bit so lets just say it made a mess all over. But glad to have it removed.

She fixed me up with a bandage and checked everything.  All looked good, I was healing great no infection.  I was of course given antibiotics to take at home and pain medications. 

Well the doctor said I got your biopsy results back.  Your lymph nodes were not affected.  So no more surgery.  Yah!!! I was happy, but then I heard the word BUT.........oh no nothing every follows this that is good.  They removed 2 tumors from the breast one 2.5 cm and one 1.5 cm.  Wow, I said those were huge.  Then the doctor said one other things.  You need to get four treatments of chemo.....

My heart stopped.  I looked over at my husband and just did not hear anything else after that.  I started shaking inside and I was just so scared.  The doctor held my hands and said it would be okay.  You will do great.  Stay strong. 

She referred me to my oncologist.  Gosh, never thought I would have a doctor with that speciality.  And of course you wait a week.  I was so anxious waiting for that appointment to find out what was next. 

I started to prepare, well of course I know I would lose my hair, so started shopping for wigs to get ready and if I saw hats or scarfs would buy them.

My mother in law was supposed to come over and help me I asked my husband if I could be alone.  I was really angry.  Angry that I had to face that and that my fight was not over.  I just needed some time to myself to think.  I remember calling my parents that night telling them.  Everyone was angry except for my husband he stayed strong for me. 

I read too many books about what chemo was and what it does that it was like a horror movie to me.  So I decided to put all books down and not ready anything anymore.  The more I read the more anxious I got.  One book that stuck into my mind was "I wore Lipstick to my Masectomy" True story about a 24 year old girl who got breast cancer.  She wore lip stick the day of her surgery to state I am still beautiful and I am a woman even though my breast has been taken away.  It went over a lot about chemo, how scared she was.  But I know treatment has changed so much since she was diagnosed back in the 80's, and who knows maybe I will be okay.  I have to believe that. But your mind wanders, my cousin who had breast cancer had chemo as well and ended up having heart problems.  She called me all scared that this would happen to me.  I decided that I did not want to talk to anyone anymore that I had to go into this with my eyes only.  Everyone is different, we all react different.  I kept telling myself that. 

Well the wait went on until the appointment came for the oncologist to find out what would be next. 

Waking up from Surgery and going home

When I woke up of course you feel strange. I looked around and the male nurse taking care of me told me I did great. I had minimal pain which was great and was ready to go home and rest. I knew my husband must have been relieved it was all over, but what he went through while I was in surgery I could only imagine. I am so grateful for Richard my brother in law for being there with him, I even heard my father in law came too. They were all afraid to stay and see me afterwards was not sure how I would feel so they left once I was ready to go home.

While I was laying there well of course I peaked. I had to look at my chest and the bandage. Yes, my breast was gone, but you know what I was not sad. I was okay. I had a drain on my side which needed to stay in for a week before I see the surgeon again. If you must know that hurt more than the surgery. Go figure that.

It is amazing though, because you want to know what went through my mind. How can anyone go through this alone.  One week before my surgery I got fitted for these shirts so I can put drains in them and be comfortable. Even went to a drain class...oh come on now  lol.....the shirt had an insert for  a cotton boob....well lets just say that was fun. I brought them with me but you know what I did not even put it on.  I did not care what I looked liked when I left I just know once I was ready I got dressed and was ready to go.

I know my husband while he waited was scared, he was sad and could not understand why I had to go through this. Him being alone in the waiting room was my worst fear actually and so glad he was not.

Well I had to wait one week and then see the surgeon again.  They biopsed my lymph nodes to see if the cancer spread so I had to hear the fate of that. If it did spread more surgery.  But I put that out of my mind. I just wanted to heal.  Had very little pain, but was so tired and sore. I rested a lot.

Taking sponge baths were not fun but I had to as long as I had that drain. I went out with my drain using my tshirt and it worked well.  But of course I kept asking if I looked okay.  Kind of hard to manage a cotton boob with your real boob. But all you can do is laugh and that is what I did. My husband was surprised of my attitude, he was going to cover the mirrors so I would not have to see my scars, but you know what I wanted to see.  I had to.  It helped me get over it. My husband helped me bath it was hard for me to move with the drain, and drained my drain every day.  It brought him back to his navy days.  lol..we just laughed about that.  It was hard relying on people that believe it or not was the hardest thing for me. Here my giving and giving to others and now I need people to give to me.  But let me tell you the support I received warmed my heart, I even cried because I never knew I was loved so much.

I had help around the house with my mother in law. She was great. Came over and helped me with laundry and stuff since I could not lift.  I kept waiting for Wednesday removal of the drain and to find out the results. I mean come on how worse can it be, Stage 0, and just a masecetomy.  So, I was pretty positive about a lot.  And felt it is over and I can move on. 

Surgery day

April 15, 2008, was my surgery day.  The alarm went off, did not get much sleep last night.  I took a shower and remember looking at my breast and saying bye.  Strangely but I had to.  It was either lose my breast or lose  my life and hey I am still young!

I got all checked in for surgery.  I had to go to radiology first to be injected with dye they had to see if the cancer spread to my lymph nodes.  I got to see my doctor and she made me laugh, I told her I was going to glow :).  Then I went to be checked in.  My husband I was more worried about because I did not want him to be alone waiting.  When we got there my brother in law Richard was there.  That meant so much to me!

I could go back there and not worry and just take a deep breath.  They took me back, I kissed and hugged everyone and said I will be okay dont worry.  I changed into my fancy gown and of course brought my stuffed animal my moose with me.  I needed something to hold to calm me down.  The nurses were great, making me laugh, they could see I was scared.  Then one of the nurses came up to me and said your surgery is being delayed but we will get you back soon.  I think my heart skipped beats..they could see how scared I was. 

The nurse started giving me meds to make me relax. We joked that is was cocktail hour for me.  The surgical nurse saw my blood pressure so high and I was cold and shakey.  She came and talked with me.  She told me that you will be taken care of. Dont worry.  Things will be okay. Think good thoughts of a speedy recovery and no infection.  She hugged me. 

As they started to wheel me back, I was drugged pretty good, but I started to cry.  I knew this was it and that the cancer is going away.  You think you would be happy, but since I never had surgery before I was so scared of what would happen. 

I got in the room and they placed me on the table.  The doctor started saying her notes and history of me to all the nurses and assistants in the room.  Then I heard the anethesia doc say okay we are going to put you to sleep.  I took a deep breath.  My doctor grabbed my hand and held it tight while I feel asleep.  I knew my fate was in their hands and that everything would be okay.

Seeing the Surgeon

Well once I got the call, and appointment you think I would feel relieved seeing the surgeon but I was more scared.  She was going to tell me my fate on what to do. My husband came with me to the appointment and we sat there and waited. 

She came in the room, and had my film with her.  She said the lump would have never been felt by me, that the mammogram saved me.  She said I was in Stage 0 and had carinoma situ of the left breast.  She would need to do a masectomy to get rid of the cancer.  Well gee thats all, that sounds good, but I never had surgery in my life.  I was so scared but she went ahead and scheduled it.  Two weeks from the date I was sitting there.  I looked over at my husband and he was ready to pass out.  He could not believe this was happening.  But Hey I knew it would be okay.  NO chemo, no radiation.  Hey that is great.

So of course the wait begins before the surgery.  I remember the day before all the calls I received from my friends and family. It meant so much to me it made me cry.  I was expecting my mom to come but she was unable. But I knew there was so much love around to make me strong.

I had a lot of time in between where I cried, where my husband cried.  I thought maybe I was being punished for something, or maybe I did something wrong. I prayed to God but got no answer so I continued to move on and get myself ready for that day.

The night before my surgery I could not sleep.  I keep breathing heavy, was scared, never had surgery before so never knew what to expect.  Was afraid that I would not want to look at myself, that nobody would. I remember closing my eyes and bit and just thinking of things they way they were and wondering how they would become.  Then the alarm rang it was time.