Herceptin iv, and knee

Two weeks ago I received herceptin, no more chemo which is good my body can finally heal.  Not too much reaction just felt sick to my stomach otherwise doing okay.  My legs and ankles are swollen with water so working on that until last Sunday I blew my left knee out.

It has been a week about my knee the brace is off I am finally walking without using crutches or a walker.  But my legs remain weak probably from the chemo still.  I have my mom and husband supporting me and giving me encouragement each day to get up and heal.  And my facebook friends and family who continue to do that as well.  I pray to god for help, sometimes I feel he does not answer and that is hard and I cry.  I need to be strong so much.  I have to. 

I have some regrets in life, of course we all do, I regret not having children, forgiving some people when we fight. Lately, I just let things go when I get hurt from someone.  I figure if they want to be in my life embrace it.  If someone does not just let it go.  But I have learned that you have to embrace those in your life now and enjoy you have to. 

I hope my husband never regrets anything with me, he is such a wonderful man.  Someone who I admire who is so strong and I feed off his strength each day.  Is it wrong to miss him so much during the day it hurts?  I do.  I feel lost when he is not around, crazy huh but it is true.

Next week back on herceptin, so moving right along  Doing exercises to strengthen my knee so I know one day at a time and hang in there.  I have to one day at a time. 

I love my family my sister, her husband, my nieces and my mom and husband with all my heart.  Thank you for the strength.  And my true friends thank you as well......I will make it through one day at a time.  All the cards I have gotten I keep and read for support so thank you so much for all of that. And my other strength is I am getting well not only for me, but dad I love you.  I promised you before you died that I would get better and I will.

feeling hopeful for the first time

I feel hopeful for the first time.  Geez what took me so long huh. lol........I still have affects from the chemo but I talked to a support lady yesterday Gloria, she has the same diagnosis as me and she is going strong.  Been on herceptin for three years and doing great, has some side effects but okay. 

After talking with her it lifted my spirits up so high you could not believe.  I know with the support of everyone, my family, friends, and my wonderful husband I will be just fine. Sure, I have days and will have them when I am scared, sad, or feel why me, but hey its okay and I know I will be okay.

I love u Roel we will plan a party celebration soon and go away for a needed rest.  You mean the world to me and thank u for being my heart and spirit.  I love u.....

Scared

Well I am coming around the stretch will be three weeks since the chemo next week and then I just go for herceptin.  I will be closely monitored to make sure my heart remains strong and okay during this treatment.  I should be happy that the tumor markers are down, but this week I have been so afraid.  Been thinking a lot about my dad, and then also you read about this cancer I have that you can be alive five years, ten years, fifteen years, you just do not know.  Being constantly scared like that is no way to live I know.  I will continue on and be happy, but there are times I feel abandoned by God.  Why did he do this to me? And then there are days I feel so strong and happy nothing can knock me over. 

I know taking one day at a time is all that I can do.  I am a lucky girl to have a wonderful husband who is always there for me.  He would take my pain away if he could I can see that in his eyes.  I have a loving family and am surrounded by so many wonderful friends, shoot they are friends but also my family too. 

Things could always be worse, I could be alone, and I am not.  I am grateful for each day that comes my way and just pray things continue to come our way in our life together for my husband and me. I cannot give up, I have to keep going.  I know I can make it through. I love you Roel......

Thursday was my last chemo last week

I was scared when I went to the doctor, but just wanted to get it done and when he confirmed it I was so happy, tumor markers came from 450 to 87.  Last chemo just need herceptin.  It is still frustrating because I have to go through things.  I have lost a friend a long the way who could not handle my illness, and gained many more for support.  The support is so helpful, a note, a hug, it just keeps me going. 

The chemo is hitting me a little hard, tired, achey, but tomorrow it will be one week so hopefully it will slowly get better.  My mom comes over to help me, my legs are weak right now so hard for me to walk or function but she has been so helpful.  My husband as well.  His support means the world to me.

I have to be strong, their are days when I dont feel it, I feel like crying, feel scared, but you know what it is okay.  It is normal.  I will make it one day at a time.  In three months blood tests and an echo to see how I am doing.  I pray every day it will be okay.....

4/28 chemo

Well chemo was last week, it was scary for me this time around, could not calm down, so afraid of the after affects.  Saturday the pains started, so I stuck with taking the pain medicine my doctor prescribed.  I hate taking pills, but the pain is so unbearable.  I have had a little rough week but slowly starting to get better. Been running fevers at night, aches and pains, stomach ache and nausea.  Believe me I have days where I want to give up.  Chemo is just not a nice thing, but I watch motivational stories of others who went through cancer and how they dealt with it.  Going to counciling now, and sometimes you learn that others are going through such a rougher time than you, and when you see them smile and their spirits up it keeps you going.

I hate asking for help but realized that I have to, the only way I will get through it is with help.  The help I get even from people who live miles away means so much to me.  A phone call, and letter, a note, means so much.

Today, well I am keeping my spirits each day I face what I have to get by. My energy is slowly starting to come back, and I slowly start to feel like myself.  I am scared though, still get scared, I had an echo tuesday have not heard yet, I guess no news is good news, but you still get scared.  I cannot even walk to get the mail anymore without feeling like I just walked a mile.  But like the saying is, I have cancer, but cancer does not have me.

I see smiles lately when I walk through the hospital half the time I do not even wear a scarf anymore, hey Im bald, so look at it people  lol.........now I know what sunburn on the head is, ouch not fun...lol...I do have to say I miss getting my hair done, that was always a pamper for me, but it will come back soon, and I will complain of bad hair days again. 

I miss my dad, but he is my angel who is taking care of me now.  I also have another angel Marcus a good friend their son passed away, I was not too much into prayer before this, but I do believe in angels and know they are there guiding me. Things could always be worse and whatever comes my way I have to continue to fight and move on.  With all the love I get I know I can do anything.

I slowly am getting my chemo rash but not as bad as before, hey could be worse right.  Things are slowly going to be okay I just wish I can stop being scared.

Chemo 4

Well this one hit me the hardests of all.  Very tired, bones ache I get in so much pain I can hardly walk or get up on my own.  It makes me cry, but I have to remain strong.  I have a long way to go for treatment of this.  Things are going good, tumors are shrinking, side effects well you just have to go with the flow.  I cannot give up on life, on getting better.  I have so much support from family, friends and my husband.  He sees me cry and wants to take my pain away.  I tell him it is okay, this will all pass and I will be okay again.

I sometimes wonder why so many things are not going my way, the passing of my father, me getting cancer for a second time.  You ask God why.  I listen to stories of others and see my situation as being lucky.  So many are going through what I am, I have met so many along the way that are helping me get through.  We help each other. 

Cancer is just a word, it will not control me, or take  me away from the ones I love.  Thank Roel for being my strength you help me more than you know.  And everyone out there with your notes, your emails, it means the world.

I get a port on Tuesday, small procedure a little nervous but hey not getting stuck all the time will be nice.  I have a long hall, I hear stories from others of people dying in my position, so who would not get scared, but I just have to remember everyone is different and things will work out.

some side effects and experience

Well after my stomach problems, the chemo rash came.  It is not the funniest thing that is for sure.  The rash starts out on my hands, and then to my chest and face.  It would not be too bad until it gets to my eyes and it is awful.  I hang in in there a lot of benadryl and just take one day at a time.  I also get numbness in my hands and feet.  But you just have to make it through that is all you can  do.

Well during the course of all of this my dad got ill.  His body was tired, and it was time for him to be with the angels.  It was hard for me to go to the hospital because I needed to stay away from sick people.  But I got a mask and went.  Telling him I loved him and holding his hand is something that I will always remember. 

I will also remember when Roel came home suddenly I thought he just forgot something and told me my dad is on a venitalator that he cannot breathe on his own.  I felt my world crushing down on me.  I keep thinking to myself he will bounce back and just get better, things will be okay.  Walking into the hospital that day and seeing him like that with tubes, and wires it was just an awful site.

My sister and her husband came out, and we all made the decision that it was time to let him go.  On Friday April 1st, he was removed from the machine with all of us there.  My dad opened his eyes and forever in my eyes I will see him reaching out to my mom and hugging her for the last time.  I just pray that he did not suffer, and that he finally found peace.  It was hard seeing him getting the tube removed, his reaction to all of that, he gripped my hand so tight.  I looked up at the monitor, and slowly saw his respirations go.  I whispered in his ear not to be afraid and we all told him that Jesus is waiting.  We were all there so he would not be afraid. 

My heart hurts so much to be without him, I just have to be strong, but sometimes I feel so weak.  My mom words Im sorry to my dad,, echo in my head. We all reassured her that what she did was the thing to do.  That my dads life would never be normal one anymore.  That his kidney was shutting down.  He would need dialysis, he could not walk.  He could not breathe without the machine.  We all hugged my mom and told her it was okay.  Now dad no longer needs to suffer anymore. His pain is all gone.

Tuesday this week is the viewing, and Wednesday my dad will be at his final resting place.  Things will be hard, I miss him so much but I know now he is no longer in pain.

I pray for strength so I can get better.  Thursday will be chemo #4.  I will go in and hold my head up high and know my dad will be with me holding my hand.  Love you Daddy!