4/28 chemo

Well chemo was last week, it was scary for me this time around, could not calm down, so afraid of the after affects.  Saturday the pains started, so I stuck with taking the pain medicine my doctor prescribed.  I hate taking pills, but the pain is so unbearable.  I have had a little rough week but slowly starting to get better. Been running fevers at night, aches and pains, stomach ache and nausea.  Believe me I have days where I want to give up.  Chemo is just not a nice thing, but I watch motivational stories of others who went through cancer and how they dealt with it.  Going to counciling now, and sometimes you learn that others are going through such a rougher time than you, and when you see them smile and their spirits up it keeps you going.

I hate asking for help but realized that I have to, the only way I will get through it is with help.  The help I get even from people who live miles away means so much to me.  A phone call, and letter, a note, means so much.

Today, well I am keeping my spirits each day I face what I have to get by. My energy is slowly starting to come back, and I slowly start to feel like myself.  I am scared though, still get scared, I had an echo tuesday have not heard yet, I guess no news is good news, but you still get scared.  I cannot even walk to get the mail anymore without feeling like I just walked a mile.  But like the saying is, I have cancer, but cancer does not have me.

I see smiles lately when I walk through the hospital half the time I do not even wear a scarf anymore, hey Im bald, so look at it people  lol.........now I know what sunburn on the head is, ouch not fun...lol...I do have to say I miss getting my hair done, that was always a pamper for me, but it will come back soon, and I will complain of bad hair days again. 

I miss my dad, but he is my angel who is taking care of me now.  I also have another angel Marcus a good friend their son passed away, I was not too much into prayer before this, but I do believe in angels and know they are there guiding me. Things could always be worse and whatever comes my way I have to continue to fight and move on.  With all the love I get I know I can do anything.

I slowly am getting my chemo rash but not as bad as before, hey could be worse right.  Things are slowly going to be okay I just wish I can stop being scared.

Chemo 4

Well this one hit me the hardests of all.  Very tired, bones ache I get in so much pain I can hardly walk or get up on my own.  It makes me cry, but I have to remain strong.  I have a long way to go for treatment of this.  Things are going good, tumors are shrinking, side effects well you just have to go with the flow.  I cannot give up on life, on getting better.  I have so much support from family, friends and my husband.  He sees me cry and wants to take my pain away.  I tell him it is okay, this will all pass and I will be okay again.

I sometimes wonder why so many things are not going my way, the passing of my father, me getting cancer for a second time.  You ask God why.  I listen to stories of others and see my situation as being lucky.  So many are going through what I am, I have met so many along the way that are helping me get through.  We help each other. 

Cancer is just a word, it will not control me, or take  me away from the ones I love.  Thank Roel for being my strength you help me more than you know.  And everyone out there with your notes, your emails, it means the world.

I get a port on Tuesday, small procedure a little nervous but hey not getting stuck all the time will be nice.  I have a long hall, I hear stories from others of people dying in my position, so who would not get scared, but I just have to remember everyone is different and things will work out.

some side effects and experience

Well after my stomach problems, the chemo rash came.  It is not the funniest thing that is for sure.  The rash starts out on my hands, and then to my chest and face.  It would not be too bad until it gets to my eyes and it is awful.  I hang in in there a lot of benadryl and just take one day at a time.  I also get numbness in my hands and feet.  But you just have to make it through that is all you can  do.

Well during the course of all of this my dad got ill.  His body was tired, and it was time for him to be with the angels.  It was hard for me to go to the hospital because I needed to stay away from sick people.  But I got a mask and went.  Telling him I loved him and holding his hand is something that I will always remember. 

I will also remember when Roel came home suddenly I thought he just forgot something and told me my dad is on a venitalator that he cannot breathe on his own.  I felt my world crushing down on me.  I keep thinking to myself he will bounce back and just get better, things will be okay.  Walking into the hospital that day and seeing him like that with tubes, and wires it was just an awful site.

My sister and her husband came out, and we all made the decision that it was time to let him go.  On Friday April 1st, he was removed from the machine with all of us there.  My dad opened his eyes and forever in my eyes I will see him reaching out to my mom and hugging her for the last time.  I just pray that he did not suffer, and that he finally found peace.  It was hard seeing him getting the tube removed, his reaction to all of that, he gripped my hand so tight.  I looked up at the monitor, and slowly saw his respirations go.  I whispered in his ear not to be afraid and we all told him that Jesus is waiting.  We were all there so he would not be afraid. 

My heart hurts so much to be without him, I just have to be strong, but sometimes I feel so weak.  My mom words Im sorry to my dad,, echo in my head. We all reassured her that what she did was the thing to do.  That my dads life would never be normal one anymore.  That his kidney was shutting down.  He would need dialysis, he could not walk.  He could not breathe without the machine.  We all hugged my mom and told her it was okay.  Now dad no longer needs to suffer anymore. His pain is all gone.

Tuesday this week is the viewing, and Wednesday my dad will be at his final resting place.  Things will be hard, I miss him so much but I know now he is no longer in pain.

I pray for strength so I can get better.  Thursday will be chemo #4.  I will go in and hold my head up high and know my dad will be with me holding my hand.  Love you Daddy!

Chemo Treatment

On March 17, treatment number 3.  Got good news from the doctor he said my tumor markers are down from 400 to 200 so the chemo is working.  Well it better be! You go through so much, your body just aches and for it now to work holy cow. 

The following day I was just so sick, my stomach would not settle at all.  I was so sick up all night.  When I finally got some relief on Saturday morning I was able to sleep but boy did it wipe me out.  You just never know what you will go through with this chemo.  It seems each time it is different.  You get frustrated that is for sure.  You dont want to be a burden but you just have no choice but to ask for help.  It took about four days for my stomach to calm down and then the body aches start.  Every joint in your body hurts even your fingers.  But I get up each day and function, not going to get down over this at all. 

It is wednesday today still hurt, but got up and did what I could in the house and will rest.  I am not going to give up you cannot. If you just sit there and let it control you it will win and cancer is not going to win.  I also joined a support group online which is great.  I have talked to several women and you know what my problems seem meek compared to them. 

One woman told me cancer is just a word, do not let it win.  Just be thankful each day you can wake up and see the sun.  It is true.  I am thankful for so much. I will never give up.  Thankful for all the prayers and support it helps me so much and makes me stronger every day.

Getting through the chemo side effects

I have to say that this time it is not easy.  I have so many side effects which are different to deal with .  Sure I lost my hair, but the rashes I get are awful.  It actually went on my face and eyes.  But, I stay positive and keep moving.  I just cannot let this beat me in anyway. 

I celebrated my birthday a few days before, and I sat back and thought I am 45 and have cancer. Wow, sometimes I keep thinking it is not true that I will wake up but then the reality sets in and I see it is true.  I get scared but with so much support I make it through. 

Next week is chemo week so back for the fight again.  I will keep moving and beat this thing and I will get my life back. 

My chemo and Herceptin Treatment

I went on Thurrsday February 24, 2011, saw the doctor first to ask questions and get things taken care of.  He tried to feel for the lump under my arm was hard to find this time which is great.  In the hospital the lump was about one inch and very sore. We learned a lot about diet and what is the best for me going through treatment.

My treatment went pretty good, took a while during my chemo treatment had a small reaction, got really flushed for a few seconds and then could not stop coughing. They got that under control and all was good. Then they hung my herceptin and that went in very good. I had no problems when I got home but I was tired it was a long day was there from 1:30 pm to 4:30 pm.  They have little tvs which are great, I watched the food channel yummy. 

I got home and ate felt a little nausea but not too bad.  Went to bed early to get some rest.

Got up today not too bad a little tired, my body is sore which is normal. Appetite kind of slight but make myself eat.  They told me 10 days after treatment to eat protein which will help me a lot get my strength.

I was really scared yesterday but kept my spirits up.  Went in positive and stayed strong.  This is such an experience you learn something each time you go to get treatment on what to do, what to eat and what will happen.  I am staying strong with so much support. 

Sometimes things are thrown your way it is how you look at them and approach them.  I am not giving up on anything that is for sure.  My next treatment March 17 so I get a three week break which is nice to recover. 

My husband has become such a great cook all healthy things and I feel great and the hugs and support from him help me so much.  Thank you!

I still cry especially when I see I am bald but then realize all I have in my life and the tears soon go away.  For the next 10 days I have to stay home since my immune system is low but that is okay I keep busy reading, working and doing things that keep me positive. Whatever it takes I do and I know I will be okay.

Alot has occured are you ready

Well I have not written in a while because hey cancer keeps you busy....lol..........but I know it will be over soon.

Everything came together again when my fever ran up to 102.5.   Roel took me to the ER and all tests were run again.  I was worried since I had the liver biospy something might have been wrong.  When I was lying on the table getting the biospy I looked up and saw my liver on the xray.  I saw the lesions and saw that it did not look good.  You want to think positive but sometimes you just know.

Of course I got in the hospital and got admitted.  Tests were run again for infection but everything came back fine.  The doctor sat down on the bed and let us know that the liver biospy came back positive for cancer cells.  It was a cancer spread from my breast.  I already knew, I asked if my oncologist could be contacted because I just wanted to get things done no more waiting. 

My doctor came and talked to my mom, Roel and me, we sat there scared wondering if there would be any treatment at all.  He told me that I can go through chemo, and get my first one here at the hospital to see how I do.  I was ready but scared.  They moved me to a private room which was nice I could rest and be alone. This was a thursday so I was all cleaned up and ready to go.  The chemo nurse came in and started my IV, I started to cry just felt so much emotions. Then the machine was turned on and here we go.  It took an hour and half to go in.  I felt okay, and when she took the IV out and removed the bag I knew hey I made it through number one.  I had some side effects, tiredness, body aches, felt a little nausea. This went on for about one week.  Well this Thursday I went to get the other drug to take Herpecin.  No side effects I was told.

Well boy did I have some......flu like symptoms.  Man it was awful, I would actually say that was worse then the big wammie chemo.  I let the doctor know I was afraid he was going to say to stop this medicine but he said all that was normal.  So the fight continues.

I go back on Thursday again for that medicine.  I am ready, you know this time around I have been more emotional.  I never cried last time not until the end.  This time I cry to let out my anger, and let out my frustration. 

I have to say there was one scarey moment in the hospital I was undecided if I should write it down.  My husband asked the doctor a worst case scenerio of my health.  The doctor said I could be at stage IV liver cancer and there is no cure.  I could not breath, I was scared, could not stop crying.  They had to give me anxiety medications to calm me down.  But, when the doctor came and told me chemo, I welcomed it. I knew the angel that has helped me through all of this is protecting me. 

My husband worries constantly about me, even my family, but hey I am okay. There are days I am sad, but I sit outside and enjoy the sun and realize there is so much to fight for.  I am not giving up!