Not sure where to begin a lot has happened since my last blog. In March 2012, a CT scan was taken because my tumor markers went up. Well, they found another tumor on my 5th rib. Let me tell you it hurts sometimes when I bend down. The doctor added Tykerb a new medication, which has so many side effects. I get acne, fun, my scalp gets irritated and I have stomach problems. I think a day does not go by when I do not feel tired. Let's just say frustration hits sometimes and I just need to vent.
I have not seen some of my in law since hmmm Thanksgiving.....and they live just 15 miles away. But I am lucky to have my mom, who comes over every day to help me clean, lift heavy things and take me shopping. There are days I just cannot function on my own. Her helping me means so much, but I know deep down I think she wishes I was well enough so she can leave. I feel bad she feels she needs to stay all the time, I feel bad for always needing help.
My husband is amazing. He is always by my side. It means so much his support, he always tells me I am beautiful, and picks me up when I am down. He is my strength and I am so lucky he is in my life. I know it is hard for him. He works so hard. If I could win a million dollars maybe that would make less stress for us. Shoot that would make less stress for anyone. I am just thankful for what I have. I am so thankful for him.
I have great friends out there. Not only the ones I met on facebook, but Andy and Sophia who I love with all my heart. They took us away for the weekend and it was so wonderful. To look at the mountains, and the trees, and just relax meant the world to me. I could not stop crying because they thought of us. They always hug me and make me feel that things will be okay. Believe me I need that more than you know. My friend Karen in Chicago...I love her with all my heart. I am so lucky to have people who love me, worry about me, and always say they are there. They are I know they are I can feel it.
As you can tell by me writing I am frustrated. I get frustrated because I feel cancer has taken a part of me. The once happy girl running around doing for others sometimes does not even have the strength to do for herself. There are days I get scared, angry, sad, but then I realize things could always be worse. I am lucky for the love in my life which keeps me strong each day. The doctor now is doing CT scan every three months instead of the tumor markers so I guess I will have a nervous stomach in three months LOL...but it makes me feel reassured that things are going okay and are stable. I am lucky, and I am not giving up that is for sure.
They say people with cancer never ask for help, always say they are fine, and you know what it is true. It is hard for me to ask for help, but I guess it is time I say yes I need it. Whoever wants to give it please give it. Hugs is what I need, and love is the only thing I ask for. I have a wonderful family filled with nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, and a sister and a mom. Dad I know you are up there. :) A husband who is an angel, who makes me smile every day.
I know I get cranky, sometimes and I get sad, but everyone do not give up now. The love out there is what I need and when I have it, I know I can win!
Breast Cancer
Monday, June 25, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
Monday April 9 2012
Well I got my treatment last week on Thursday. Labs seem to be doing well, liver results are starting to get better. That is good news. I still get a pain in my ribs now it is on both side from the other tumor. In May I get my echo and tumor markers so I will know if this new medicine is working.
My new medicine Tykerb which I started the day after valentines day, is not fun at times. I get rashes, dry skin, scalp irritation, but what can you do but hope it works. I do get stomach problems at times so I kind of just go with it. You have to.
I get scared still, seeing other people having problems like me, or there cancer coming back, or more cancer is found. I have to remember we are all different. We are fighting but we all have different fights. Each cancer just requires that one thing to help it get better, well in a way make it go away for a while.
My cancer sucks, it is something I have to live with the rest of my life. I worry about my husband, sometimes he looks at me and seems so scared, but when I am scared he remains so strong for me.
I have those days of feeling lost, just needing to be around my husband. The other day I was in the store, and we lost each other, I started to cry. I just felt lost because I could not find him. In a way I feel this way about my cancer. It makes me feel so lost at times. But, I cannot remain that way for long otherwise the cancer will have won and we cannot make it win.
It has been a year for this fight already. I continue to fight on, and with all my friends, family, and husband I will continue to win. Sure, there will be bumps you hit. But those bumps make your stronger, and make you know that you can never give up.
I continue to go to counseling, it helps, and it makes me realize I am not crazy for feeling these things. I learn to channel these fears into something positive and that is what makes me continue to grow.
Each day is a new day for me, that is how I treat it. I wake up with a smile, and I go on with my day. Sure, I cry at times, but you know what it is okay to cry. You let out the hurt, and anger, and then you can sit up and then move on.
I love you Roel, thank you for being my heart.......<3.........my strength, my courage, and thank you for loving me on those days I have a rash face LOL....Thank you mom, for helping me, it means the world. Thank you friends for being there, and thank you family and friends for the love.
C- can never make me weak
A- always will be strong
N- Never will I give up
C- can never take my smile
E- Everyone will be there for support
R- Remember you are never alone.............
My new medicine Tykerb which I started the day after valentines day, is not fun at times. I get rashes, dry skin, scalp irritation, but what can you do but hope it works. I do get stomach problems at times so I kind of just go with it. You have to.
I get scared still, seeing other people having problems like me, or there cancer coming back, or more cancer is found. I have to remember we are all different. We are fighting but we all have different fights. Each cancer just requires that one thing to help it get better, well in a way make it go away for a while.
My cancer sucks, it is something I have to live with the rest of my life. I worry about my husband, sometimes he looks at me and seems so scared, but when I am scared he remains so strong for me.
I have those days of feeling lost, just needing to be around my husband. The other day I was in the store, and we lost each other, I started to cry. I just felt lost because I could not find him. In a way I feel this way about my cancer. It makes me feel so lost at times. But, I cannot remain that way for long otherwise the cancer will have won and we cannot make it win.
It has been a year for this fight already. I continue to fight on, and with all my friends, family, and husband I will continue to win. Sure, there will be bumps you hit. But those bumps make your stronger, and make you know that you can never give up.
I continue to go to counseling, it helps, and it makes me realize I am not crazy for feeling these things. I learn to channel these fears into something positive and that is what makes me continue to grow.
Each day is a new day for me, that is how I treat it. I wake up with a smile, and I go on with my day. Sure, I cry at times, but you know what it is okay to cry. You let out the hurt, and anger, and then you can sit up and then move on.
I love you Roel, thank you for being my heart.......<3.........my strength, my courage, and thank you for loving me on those days I have a rash face LOL....Thank you mom, for helping me, it means the world. Thank you friends for being there, and thank you family and friends for the love.
C- can never make me weak
A- always will be strong
N- Never will I give up
C- can never take my smile
E- Everyone will be there for support
R- Remember you are never alone.............
Sunday, March 4, 2012
March 4, 2012......Been through a lot since last blog
Not sure where to start sometimes....seem kind of lost. I did get my CT-Scan done, everything seems to be the same except for a new tumor by my fifth rib 5 cm large. I was wondering why I would bend down I would get a sudden pain, just thought I hurt myself. Well, I continue with the Herceptin IV, and a new medicine. Due to a lot of these meds affecting my bones I get IV bone strengthener, armidex and a new one Tybert. The tybert can be rough sometimes. It gives me tummy troubles, makes me tired, nausea, headaches and rashes. Fun stuff otherwise hey I am good LOL...Hopefully, this will shrink the new tumor down, if it does not I need to get radiation.
Sometimes you feel like you are taking one step forward and then two back. I get frustrated, angry. I started to get depressed again and decided I needed to see my psych doctor. My medication was increased a little bit because I was just experiencing so much anxiety, depression. It seems to help, and I am hanging in there.
I get negative sometimes, about what I am going through, even about things around me. I feel hurt if some people do not come around, or have the time to see me, but then in another breath I forgive and understand. I go back and forth with feelings and emotions. I worry about my mom, my husband. I told my husband one day I just wanted a normal life. He said to me, what actually is normal. It is different for everyone. So true.
I just take each day as it comes now, face it, process it and then figure out how to deal with it. I have a lot of support and love and I need to focus on that, embrace it and let it in. When I get side effects from my meds it frustrates me, my joints hurt, my thumbs pop out of joint, and other stuff. Things could be worse I have to remember that and not give up. Let the negative things go, focus on what is around that is positive. See the positive in every thing I do.
Staying strong can be hard, but it does keep me going to face another day. Hearing that someone has passed from cancer is hard, it scares me. I ask God why? I really do not understand why things happen. Why, life has to be so hard. Maybe one day I will figure out those answers, but that is something I need to do on my own.
I celebrated my birthday March 2, 46 years old. Cannot believe it has come by already. I felt a lot of love, was surrounded by the ones who care, what else could you ask for......I keep striving for another day, and will continue to do so. Stay strong all my friends, and never give up.......
Sometimes you feel like you are taking one step forward and then two back. I get frustrated, angry. I started to get depressed again and decided I needed to see my psych doctor. My medication was increased a little bit because I was just experiencing so much anxiety, depression. It seems to help, and I am hanging in there.
I get negative sometimes, about what I am going through, even about things around me. I feel hurt if some people do not come around, or have the time to see me, but then in another breath I forgive and understand. I go back and forth with feelings and emotions. I worry about my mom, my husband. I told my husband one day I just wanted a normal life. He said to me, what actually is normal. It is different for everyone. So true.
I just take each day as it comes now, face it, process it and then figure out how to deal with it. I have a lot of support and love and I need to focus on that, embrace it and let it in. When I get side effects from my meds it frustrates me, my joints hurt, my thumbs pop out of joint, and other stuff. Things could be worse I have to remember that and not give up. Let the negative things go, focus on what is around that is positive. See the positive in every thing I do.
Staying strong can be hard, but it does keep me going to face another day. Hearing that someone has passed from cancer is hard, it scares me. I ask God why? I really do not understand why things happen. Why, life has to be so hard. Maybe one day I will figure out those answers, but that is something I need to do on my own.
I celebrated my birthday March 2, 46 years old. Cannot believe it has come by already. I felt a lot of love, was surrounded by the ones who care, what else could you ask for......I keep striving for another day, and will continue to do so. Stay strong all my friends, and never give up.......
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Herceptin Treatment 1-12-12.
I skipped posting about one herceptin treatment in December..sometimes it is hard coming up with the words so I just let it go until I am ready.
It seems after my treatment after one hour goes by I get the chills really bad. I pile up those blankets to keep warm, and boy does my body ache. Sleeping, well I seem to not be able to get enough. You take different medicines but you never really know what causes what anymore.
I get sad at times. Think of those who are sick. Wish I had a way to make them feel better. I wish for tons of money to help others, if it would make their life easier. I never really wish for myself because I have really what I need. I loving husband who is always there, wonderful friends, and dog who never judges me, and my mom and family. Some days you need that support to get through. It gets scary when you get a ache or pain, you right away think the worst and all it is, is a pulled muscle. When I dream, I dream my life as being normal, I walk without pain, I have beautiful skin, feel great and have so much energy. Then I wake up and look in the mirror and see my port, my scars and know that it is nice to dream but you have to face reality and learn to deal with it.
I have made a lot of friends throughout my journey, some of them I wonder how they stay so strong. How do they continue on.......I see posts that warm my heart on facebook, and even though they hurt they will leave a message wishing others well. Those people I admire, I am thankful for, they keep me going each and every day. When I hear that one has died my heart sinks. I wish their pain could have been taken away. Did I help them, make them smile.
When I wake up, I realize another day has come, a day to fight, and a day to greet it with a smile. Sure, I have my days, sometimes you need to just cry, and then the next day comes, you pick yourself up and face the world again.
I noticed as we get older families change. I watch them drift apart, for reasons I never understand. Mostly because they are busy. It seems family will hurt you the most, of course you still love them. You would be there for them no matter what, but that hurt is more painful then one from a friend. I hope all my family realizes spending time together should be considered precious, a small note, email, card, means the world. You never know how long you have on this earth, so loving one another should just be something to do every day.
Unfortunately, families realize it when it is too late. Some families only get together at funerals to say good bye. To me, all the time was wasted when you could have been with that person while they were still here. But, we all get busy, we all have our own problems. You know what, Cancer is one problem I am sure nobody would want to deal with. If they had it they would realize losing material things is nothing, they are things, but losing your life and having to fight every single day to stay well, is more a problem than every day life. Cancer patients, make things look easy, we never ask for help, never say we hurt, never admit we are in pain so you figure huh, she is fine. Dealing with metastatic breast cancer or any cancer the fear of it returning is always with us. When it comes back, then the fear of dying is there. You hear those words in your head, I am sorry, You have Cancer, and they never go away. But we continue to smile, get up each day and say today I will live my life to its fullest.
So, remember your problems, losing your home, unable to pay bills, minor, because a cancer patient wonders is today the day.......so just be there for them, hug them, and guess what your problems can be fixed, cancer cannot so just smile and be thankful you can live.......
It seems after my treatment after one hour goes by I get the chills really bad. I pile up those blankets to keep warm, and boy does my body ache. Sleeping, well I seem to not be able to get enough. You take different medicines but you never really know what causes what anymore.
I get sad at times. Think of those who are sick. Wish I had a way to make them feel better. I wish for tons of money to help others, if it would make their life easier. I never really wish for myself because I have really what I need. I loving husband who is always there, wonderful friends, and dog who never judges me, and my mom and family. Some days you need that support to get through. It gets scary when you get a ache or pain, you right away think the worst and all it is, is a pulled muscle. When I dream, I dream my life as being normal, I walk without pain, I have beautiful skin, feel great and have so much energy. Then I wake up and look in the mirror and see my port, my scars and know that it is nice to dream but you have to face reality and learn to deal with it.
I have made a lot of friends throughout my journey, some of them I wonder how they stay so strong. How do they continue on.......I see posts that warm my heart on facebook, and even though they hurt they will leave a message wishing others well. Those people I admire, I am thankful for, they keep me going each and every day. When I hear that one has died my heart sinks. I wish their pain could have been taken away. Did I help them, make them smile.
When I wake up, I realize another day has come, a day to fight, and a day to greet it with a smile. Sure, I have my days, sometimes you need to just cry, and then the next day comes, you pick yourself up and face the world again.
I noticed as we get older families change. I watch them drift apart, for reasons I never understand. Mostly because they are busy. It seems family will hurt you the most, of course you still love them. You would be there for them no matter what, but that hurt is more painful then one from a friend. I hope all my family realizes spending time together should be considered precious, a small note, email, card, means the world. You never know how long you have on this earth, so loving one another should just be something to do every day.
Unfortunately, families realize it when it is too late. Some families only get together at funerals to say good bye. To me, all the time was wasted when you could have been with that person while they were still here. But, we all get busy, we all have our own problems. You know what, Cancer is one problem I am sure nobody would want to deal with. If they had it they would realize losing material things is nothing, they are things, but losing your life and having to fight every single day to stay well, is more a problem than every day life. Cancer patients, make things look easy, we never ask for help, never say we hurt, never admit we are in pain so you figure huh, she is fine. Dealing with metastatic breast cancer or any cancer the fear of it returning is always with us. When it comes back, then the fear of dying is there. You hear those words in your head, I am sorry, You have Cancer, and they never go away. But we continue to smile, get up each day and say today I will live my life to its fullest.
So, remember your problems, losing your home, unable to pay bills, minor, because a cancer patient wonders is today the day.......so just be there for them, hug them, and guess what your problems can be fixed, cancer cannot so just smile and be thankful you can live.......
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
November 30 Herceptin day
Well I went in waiting for my results. My tumor markers went from 127 to 137. Of course sure I was worried but the doctor said not to worry. So hmm what do you do? I guess not worry LOL......I feel really good otherwise. This treatment though knocked me out. I had fever and chills that night and felt so sick. It took me about four days to actually feel myself. My body just ached all over. Skipping a week because I was sick really made a difference. I ended up hurting my arm, which I have no idea how I did it. It hurts when you touch it, a burning feeling. Saw the doctor and he said a strained muscle. At first he thought maybe shingles, but nothing appeared thank goodness for that. So, of course it still hurts, because I continue to not rest it. It actually started to get better and then started to hurt all over again. I figure it is just something you have to live with for a while. It always seems something comes in the mist of stuff, but I guess it is how you look at it and deal with it is how you can over come it.
I take each day as it comes. It is crazy sometimes. I do get scared but try to keep on moving along. Family stuff is really different this year. It is amazing how Thanksgiving turned out. That is another story not worth getting into anymore. You would think everyone wants to get together to spend time with each other, but it just seems so miserable.
I have tried to get into reading again, but just cannot focus. One of the lady's at treatment day, she was so cute. It was her last chemo and she said I have been reading this same book for over six months. I just cannot retain anything. But look at it this way, every time I pick up the book it is like starting a brand new novel all over again. :) I always have to go back and read it again because I cannot retain the information. I thought I was the only one. LOL... Boy did that make me feel better, I have been reading the same Stephen King book since April LOL.......
I miss my mom but was glad she took time for her. She needed that. I am glad because today she will be back. Cannot wait to see her. Missing my dad this year is going to be hard thing to handle but I will make it through. He is with me everywhere I go. I can feel him this time. He protects me and it feels really good. My husband also protects me and makes me feel so good as well. He picks me up and always makes me feel better. I am a lucky girl and his strength means so much.
Emotionally, what can I say, I have changed a bit, I do not sweat the small stuff anymore. I just do not try too hard now if someone wants to be in my life great if not well I am too tired to try anymore. It is sad and makes me sad, but what can you do. I end up getting hurt when I get rejected time and time again, so I have decided to no longer give the effort. Maybe that seems so awful, they say you have to forgive. Sure, I forgive, I do not have any hate, just will not try anymore. I need to focus on the ones who are there. The ones that make my heart filled with love.
I am lucky for the support of friends, family and loved ones. Each day that will keep me going and keep me smiling. All I can say is I will never give up. My next treatment December 22. Boy, can you believe Christmas time. Dad, I miss you, April 1 you left this world, but you are my angel, I love and miss you very much.
I take each day as it comes. It is crazy sometimes. I do get scared but try to keep on moving along. Family stuff is really different this year. It is amazing how Thanksgiving turned out. That is another story not worth getting into anymore. You would think everyone wants to get together to spend time with each other, but it just seems so miserable.
I have tried to get into reading again, but just cannot focus. One of the lady's at treatment day, she was so cute. It was her last chemo and she said I have been reading this same book for over six months. I just cannot retain anything. But look at it this way, every time I pick up the book it is like starting a brand new novel all over again. :) I always have to go back and read it again because I cannot retain the information. I thought I was the only one. LOL... Boy did that make me feel better, I have been reading the same Stephen King book since April LOL.......
I miss my mom but was glad she took time for her. She needed that. I am glad because today she will be back. Cannot wait to see her. Missing my dad this year is going to be hard thing to handle but I will make it through. He is with me everywhere I go. I can feel him this time. He protects me and it feels really good. My husband also protects me and makes me feel so good as well. He picks me up and always makes me feel better. I am a lucky girl and his strength means so much.
Emotionally, what can I say, I have changed a bit, I do not sweat the small stuff anymore. I just do not try too hard now if someone wants to be in my life great if not well I am too tired to try anymore. It is sad and makes me sad, but what can you do. I end up getting hurt when I get rejected time and time again, so I have decided to no longer give the effort. Maybe that seems so awful, they say you have to forgive. Sure, I forgive, I do not have any hate, just will not try anymore. I need to focus on the ones who are there. The ones that make my heart filled with love.
I am lucky for the support of friends, family and loved ones. Each day that will keep me going and keep me smiling. All I can say is I will never give up. My next treatment December 22. Boy, can you believe Christmas time. Dad, I miss you, April 1 you left this world, but you are my angel, I love and miss you very much.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Lab Test Tomorrow and treatment day Wednesday
I know it is normal being scared, but I am tired of being afraid. I wish some of my friends were closer to me as in distance sometimes I could use their hugs more than ever. Now is that time. I feel a little lost writing this today. Well I have a cold, but that is greatly getting better, my arm hurts so bad, in a certain place if you poke it I feel a burning pain in it. If I reach it hurts. My thumbs pop in and out like they are going to come out of joint. It started of course after I saw my doctor for the cold to make sure my lungs were clear. Which they were :). I was trying to do something simple like take laundry out of the dryer and it just hurt. I guess I am more frustrated then sad.
Never a dull moment that is for sure, I cry sure, I have to, my counselor told me that is part of healing. It feels good sometimes to just let it out in tears. He told me if people do not understand just tell them why. It scares my husband I know but I have to let it out. Sometimes I do it when he does not see, I do not want him to worry.
I miss my mom a bit she helps me so much but so glad she has gone to visit my sister and rest. She needed that.
On facebook I was doing who I was grateful for each day but suddenly I just stopped. Well, I guess I lost the mood for that. I am thankful do not get me wrong, but I just haven't the spirit to go through it right now.
I know I am grateful for my friends close by, who visit me, hug me and send me notes. The ones far away you are in my heart. My husband deserves a medal for all the stuff he goes through, I always feel like I burden him but he says no. He is my heart. It is forever.
Some people will never understand what we go through ever day. Some even fake their kindness. It just does not matter anymore, because I have no more strength to try, to call, or cry over these people anymore. I do not want to waste the time. I am going to smile and be happy and sure I get down sometimes, normal, but you will never know because of my smile. But do remember I am strong, I will never ask for help, but it does not mean I do not need a hug or to be told it is okay. Remember that. :)
Never a dull moment that is for sure, I cry sure, I have to, my counselor told me that is part of healing. It feels good sometimes to just let it out in tears. He told me if people do not understand just tell them why. It scares my husband I know but I have to let it out. Sometimes I do it when he does not see, I do not want him to worry.
I miss my mom a bit she helps me so much but so glad she has gone to visit my sister and rest. She needed that.
On facebook I was doing who I was grateful for each day but suddenly I just stopped. Well, I guess I lost the mood for that. I am thankful do not get me wrong, but I just haven't the spirit to go through it right now.
I know I am grateful for my friends close by, who visit me, hug me and send me notes. The ones far away you are in my heart. My husband deserves a medal for all the stuff he goes through, I always feel like I burden him but he says no. He is my heart. It is forever.
Some people will never understand what we go through ever day. Some even fake their kindness. It just does not matter anymore, because I have no more strength to try, to call, or cry over these people anymore. I do not want to waste the time. I am going to smile and be happy and sure I get down sometimes, normal, but you will never know because of my smile. But do remember I am strong, I will never ask for help, but it does not mean I do not need a hug or to be told it is okay. Remember that. :)
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Herceptin day, and results November 3, 2011
Well never look forward to hearing results of anything. We went :) nervous, my echo is great my heart is fine, but my tumor markers have come up from 77 to 127. So, in three weeks we need that checked again. If still rising need a scan to make sure nothing is happening. Well my heart sunk and my husband saw the fear on my face. The doctor explained we check this every three months to make sure, you are on the best medicines so no worries okay.
Well, how can you not worry, but with that you have to continue to go on. Smile and tell everyone when they ask you how are u? Well, I am just fine. LOL....but inside I am screaming. Ah!!!
Roel is worried, so am I, but we smile and just keep moving you have to. With my disease things are bound to come up. I guess I will always have that fear always.
My joints still hurt at times, the doctor said all the symptoms I have are from my medicine Armidez. Joint pain, bloated stomach, and hot flashes. Hey I can make it he wanted to give me more meds for that ah no that is okay.
So, will let you know what is to come in three weeks. Emotionally, I go back and forth, but hey it is going to be okay. I have the best husband in the world. I am one lucky girl. And I met so many friends along the way. All I can say is your prayers and hugs mean so much. I am going to make it, you bet I am!
Well, how can you not worry, but with that you have to continue to go on. Smile and tell everyone when they ask you how are u? Well, I am just fine. LOL....but inside I am screaming. Ah!!!
Roel is worried, so am I, but we smile and just keep moving you have to. With my disease things are bound to come up. I guess I will always have that fear always.
My joints still hurt at times, the doctor said all the symptoms I have are from my medicine Armidez. Joint pain, bloated stomach, and hot flashes. Hey I can make it he wanted to give me more meds for that ah no that is okay.
So, will let you know what is to come in three weeks. Emotionally, I go back and forth, but hey it is going to be okay. I have the best husband in the world. I am one lucky girl. And I met so many friends along the way. All I can say is your prayers and hugs mean so much. I am going to make it, you bet I am!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Scared at times
Halloween just around the corner kind of funny huh.....Well, last Friday I became very ill, little did I know at the time it was food poisening. I was throwing up, diarrhea, but what scared me, is that is how I started when I got sick the first time before my cancer showed up. I had such aches and pains, I just kept apologizing to my husband each time I got sick, and he was so scared looking at me. I finally had my mom come over, just did not want my honey to be alone. I hugged him and told him I was tired of being scared. Every little pain, little jerk and I just am afraid I have to hear that word again. Cancer......
I continue to be brave, keep trying to be strong, but some days it is hard. I have met so many friends who have filled my life with joy I am lucky. My mom, and husband are here constantly for me. Then you have some who are right around the corner and seem like they are so far. Very sad. I do have some great friends though, Sophia, Andy, Caroline who always check on me. It means so much. I have my best friend in Chicago who always thinks of me. I had one friend who wanted to pray with me, I was so touched with that. A small note just brightens my spirit. I light up for days. People telling me that I am a strong, that I inspire, well, I light up because you just can never give up in life. You have to keep going even if you hit stumbles. I support my friends going through cancer on facebook with notes and they support me. We keep each other going, I would love one day to meet even just one of them.
Blogging helps me get my feelings down, explain what I go through each time. Then when i read it wow, I cannot believe it was me. I cannot believe that next week is treatment week again. I get my echo, labs and see the doctor too. Big week but we will just take a deep breathe and move forward.
I think wow, what a year it has been, but this year has made me stronger than ever. You wonder why things constantly seem to go wrong at times, but then you sit back and remember the good times and it makes you smile. Those times are in my heart, and keep me going each day. My husband's smile keeps me strong. And all the friends I have met with their notes of support helps so much.
Sure I have those days of being sad, scared but considering what I have been through a little tears is okay...........just everyone be there with those hugs.
I continue to be brave, keep trying to be strong, but some days it is hard. I have met so many friends who have filled my life with joy I am lucky. My mom, and husband are here constantly for me. Then you have some who are right around the corner and seem like they are so far. Very sad. I do have some great friends though, Sophia, Andy, Caroline who always check on me. It means so much. I have my best friend in Chicago who always thinks of me. I had one friend who wanted to pray with me, I was so touched with that. A small note just brightens my spirit. I light up for days. People telling me that I am a strong, that I inspire, well, I light up because you just can never give up in life. You have to keep going even if you hit stumbles. I support my friends going through cancer on facebook with notes and they support me. We keep each other going, I would love one day to meet even just one of them.
Blogging helps me get my feelings down, explain what I go through each time. Then when i read it wow, I cannot believe it was me. I cannot believe that next week is treatment week again. I get my echo, labs and see the doctor too. Big week but we will just take a deep breathe and move forward.
I think wow, what a year it has been, but this year has made me stronger than ever. You wonder why things constantly seem to go wrong at times, but then you sit back and remember the good times and it makes you smile. Those times are in my heart, and keep me going each day. My husband's smile keeps me strong. And all the friends I have met with their notes of support helps so much.
Sure I have those days of being sad, scared but considering what I have been through a little tears is okay...........just everyone be there with those hugs.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
October 13 Herceptin Day
Well it has taken me a bit to write this time, been kind of emotional lately. Sometimes it gets frustrating having to go every three weeks, but it is something I just need to do. I always push myself afterwards too, I got yelled at LOL....but I just feel if I do not I am giving in. Maybe that is wrong. These past two days I have been hurting, My legs have felt awful with my joints just hurting. Just a small price to pay I have to think of it that way. There were times I held pills in my hand, wanted to end it all, felt that I was such a burden to everyone. That my heart was just empty. Feeling pain and aches all the time is not fun, I can only walk the most an hour without my knees hurting, or my feet. I ended up with neuropathy which I hope will go away but it might not. My husband is very supportive and told me to just take it slow, that is all we need to do. We have a wheelchair in case I need it so I can do things and go places and not worry that if I hurt I can rest.
I just do not understand sometimes, I try to come up with ways on why I got the disease, what did I do wrong, because it just has to be something. I even researched the neighborhood to see if other people got cancer maybe there was some cause. But really, it is just my life unfolding. I feel a burden I do and sometimes just wish I can do the things I could do before, but I cannot. People worry when I get depressed but it is a part of it, sometimes I just need to cry. It is sort of a cleansing for me. But I also have been hurt, trying to make friends with some people, only to be rejected, and some leaving because they feel their problems are more important. When you are going through this surrounding yourself with positive people help so much, so I guess those people who left I should feel would have brought me down. Who needs that. You sit sometimes and hope for visits, but they never come, so I realize that the ones that are there are the ones my heart should focus on. I never hate people, I just do not understand that it only takes five minutes to say hey you okay. I do not even get that from some people who are actual family....it is sad. You do not realize how much those little things mean to me. How much they keep me going. But I also realized that my husband, my heart, is the one who always takes that time. He will text me he loves me, call during the day, rub my legs when I am in pain at night and feet. It is hard sometimes to get rid of hurt, but eventually your heart fills with love from the ones who really have it to give.
I am lucky I have found friends along the way who I met on facebook, we are breast cancer sisters and help each other, and I have my family, my husband and mom who keep me strong. They help me when I do not feel good. It is amazing could not imagine being alone. I am told having good and bad days are normal. I just have to remember there is HOPE. I do have that. Love you Daddy and miss you very much. I feel your loving arms hug me when I am sad, you are my angel. I love you Roel without you my heart would be so lonely. You fill my heart with love..
My story will continue and my writing continues to help my soul heal one day breast cancer will hopefully be gone forever.
I just do not understand sometimes, I try to come up with ways on why I got the disease, what did I do wrong, because it just has to be something. I even researched the neighborhood to see if other people got cancer maybe there was some cause. But really, it is just my life unfolding. I feel a burden I do and sometimes just wish I can do the things I could do before, but I cannot. People worry when I get depressed but it is a part of it, sometimes I just need to cry. It is sort of a cleansing for me. But I also have been hurt, trying to make friends with some people, only to be rejected, and some leaving because they feel their problems are more important. When you are going through this surrounding yourself with positive people help so much, so I guess those people who left I should feel would have brought me down. Who needs that. You sit sometimes and hope for visits, but they never come, so I realize that the ones that are there are the ones my heart should focus on. I never hate people, I just do not understand that it only takes five minutes to say hey you okay. I do not even get that from some people who are actual family....it is sad. You do not realize how much those little things mean to me. How much they keep me going. But I also realized that my husband, my heart, is the one who always takes that time. He will text me he loves me, call during the day, rub my legs when I am in pain at night and feet. It is hard sometimes to get rid of hurt, but eventually your heart fills with love from the ones who really have it to give.
I am lucky I have found friends along the way who I met on facebook, we are breast cancer sisters and help each other, and I have my family, my husband and mom who keep me strong. They help me when I do not feel good. It is amazing could not imagine being alone. I am told having good and bad days are normal. I just have to remember there is HOPE. I do have that. Love you Daddy and miss you very much. I feel your loving arms hug me when I am sad, you are my angel. I love you Roel without you my heart would be so lonely. You fill my heart with love..
My story will continue and my writing continues to help my soul heal one day breast cancer will hopefully be gone forever.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
September 23 Herceptin Treatment
Well you think this is routine now....the nurses know me by name when I go. My husband though can tell there is still some sadness in my eyes when I go. Sometimes you do not feel like normal. I see the port in my skin on my chest, I get tired sometimes after treatment, my legs ache, but I am so grateful to have my husband by my side all the time. My mom also has been wonderful and my family and friends. I have connected with so many people on facebook, they have become my family. We all help each other get through those days when we feel bad.
Treatment went well, I have been tired but hang in there. These are little things which seem to be nothing just a part of my life. I am thankful for my life, my husband, my family and friends.
Been very emotional lately, missing my dad who passed away in April, wish he was here for a hug sometimes. I forget that he is gone at times. I cannot believe that I started fighting my cancer the end of January and it is already going to be October. What a year this has been. I continue each day to fight, and will never give up. Have too many things that make me smile every day.
Treatment went well, I have been tired but hang in there. These are little things which seem to be nothing just a part of my life. I am thankful for my life, my husband, my family and friends.
Been very emotional lately, missing my dad who passed away in April, wish he was here for a hug sometimes. I forget that he is gone at times. I cannot believe that I started fighting my cancer the end of January and it is already going to be October. What a year this has been. I continue each day to fight, and will never give up. Have too many things that make me smile every day.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
September 13, Unable to sleep
Today I cannot sleep, for the first time in a while. My mind keeps going over and over some things and I worry about family.....There are days I feel so not strong, I have met so many inspiring people along the way this time and I am so grateful for them. They tell me that I bring them up, that I help them and my words put them at ease. That makes me feel good. What they do not realize that sometimes I just feel so tired. I hide a lot of my fear so people do not know how scared I am sometimes. Cancer sucks there is no other way to say it. I know I need to focus and be strong no worries I will, but some days getting hugs is all that I need to survive.
My husband people see how wonderful he is. I am thankful every day for him. He supports me, makes me feel loved. He has been there on good and bad days, and always trys to make me laugh. He keeps things from me so I do not worry, and he works hard each and every day. I am so proud of him. He is my strength, my life, and I love him so much. People say I am lucky to have such a supportive husband and you know what I am lucky. Not many men would stick by you through this time, some of my friends have told me they lost loved ones because of cancer, they just up and left. Mine stayed by my side through it all.
I know I will be able to sleep again once my mind rests but for now I write to let the world know that I am afraid. I know it is okay to feel that, and it will pass as it always does because I know each day I will be greated with a smile and feel love in my heart.
Next week already herceptin is coming. Feel like a regular already with this. It becomes now a part of my life, a part which keeps me living. I will be strong just remember I do have those days.........
My husband people see how wonderful he is. I am thankful every day for him. He supports me, makes me feel loved. He has been there on good and bad days, and always trys to make me laugh. He keeps things from me so I do not worry, and he works hard each and every day. I am so proud of him. He is my strength, my life, and I love him so much. People say I am lucky to have such a supportive husband and you know what I am lucky. Not many men would stick by you through this time, some of my friends have told me they lost loved ones because of cancer, they just up and left. Mine stayed by my side through it all.
I know I will be able to sleep again once my mind rests but for now I write to let the world know that I am afraid. I know it is okay to feel that, and it will pass as it always does because I know each day I will be greated with a smile and feel love in my heart.
Next week already herceptin is coming. Feel like a regular already with this. It becomes now a part of my life, a part which keeps me living. I will be strong just remember I do have those days.........
Monday, September 5, 2011
Thursday September 1 Herceptin Day
Went and got my herceptin went pretty well. You know even though you have a port it still hurts when they put that needle in, but once you get passed that, it is easy. I get a little nauseous afterwards, that usually lasts for about one day, and get a little tired. Been walking a lot lately which is great, I get sore the next day but my legs seem to be getting better. My hair continues to grow back, and my nails. My toe nails still some problems but that will heal in time. I get tired easily but hey I still hang in there. Being around friends and family help so much.
I can say that I am taking one day at at time. You still remember the day you are diagnosed, you still remember sometimes the fears, but you continue to carry on, and smile and not let people know those thoughts. You sometimes wish things were different, miss some people who are gone, but then you realize what is around and are so grateful.
I can say I feel very brave for what I have fought, I did it with opens eyes. Giving up is not me, and I am lucky to have a man in my life that sticks by me no matter what. Believe me in life that is hard to find. He made this problem his fight as well, and we fought together.
On that note, I can say I will take one day at a time and always be grateful. Love you Roel.
I can say that I am taking one day at at time. You still remember the day you are diagnosed, you still remember sometimes the fears, but you continue to carry on, and smile and not let people know those thoughts. You sometimes wish things were different, miss some people who are gone, but then you realize what is around and are so grateful.
I can say I feel very brave for what I have fought, I did it with opens eyes. Giving up is not me, and I am lucky to have a man in my life that sticks by me no matter what. Believe me in life that is hard to find. He made this problem his fight as well, and we fought together.
On that note, I can say I will take one day at a time and always be grateful. Love you Roel.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Herceptin again lol..........Thursday August 11
Well another herceptin down. I got good news I had an echo done and tumor markers, my echo was normal so my heart is doing good and my tumor markers are down from 85 to 77. So, things are coming along. I started a new medication avanistin which will help also. I seem to be moving right along which is good.
I still have reactions from the chemo but things are starting to get a little better. The numbness in my hands and feet is there but better, my legs do not hurt as much. I am working on my nails and toe nails. Got a bad fungus so that is going to take time but it will get better. My eye lashes are starting to come back and eye brows. And my hair it is coming in slowly.......I hope the grey stays away lol......
I was started on medicine for depression, the chemo put me into menopause so been emotional, not only about my health but also about my dad. It is helping but of course you have to work on healing yourself which is what I am doing.
The knee I dislocated gets sore which I am sure is normal when I walk a lot. I just have to hang in there with that. Things will get better.
My husband has been by my side through it all and still continues. When I am down he brings me up, and believe me I do have those days. He tells me I am beautiful and I always see the love in his eyes. He is my life and I am so grateful for him.
I need to continue to be strong and with my husband, family and friends I know I can. I wake up and think of all the things I am grateful for in my life and then start my day. Things will come together I just have to take one day at at time.
I still have reactions from the chemo but things are starting to get a little better. The numbness in my hands and feet is there but better, my legs do not hurt as much. I am working on my nails and toe nails. Got a bad fungus so that is going to take time but it will get better. My eye lashes are starting to come back and eye brows. And my hair it is coming in slowly.......I hope the grey stays away lol......
I was started on medicine for depression, the chemo put me into menopause so been emotional, not only about my health but also about my dad. It is helping but of course you have to work on healing yourself which is what I am doing.
The knee I dislocated gets sore which I am sure is normal when I walk a lot. I just have to hang in there with that. Things will get better.
My husband has been by my side through it all and still continues. When I am down he brings me up, and believe me I do have those days. He tells me I am beautiful and I always see the love in his eyes. He is my life and I am so grateful for him.
I need to continue to be strong and with my husband, family and friends I know I can. I wake up and think of all the things I am grateful for in my life and then start my day. Things will come together I just have to take one day at at time.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thursday was Herceptin day
I really did not feel like going on Thursday felt kind of sad. But I made it through and did it. Still have some affects from the chemo, weak legs, I ended up getting some problems with my nails and toes nails. Some stomach problems too. But, things are coming together slowly. It has been three months since my last treatment so I know my body is slowly coming back to normal. Even my hair is growing!!!
My knee seems better but I still take it slow. It gets sore after walking for a while but it is working. :)
I take each day now as it comes, and be strong and try to move on slowly. I miss my dad a great deal but I know he is looking down on me from heaven.
I do not seem to have too much reaction from the herceptin which is great. The extra water weight I gained over 20 pounds is gone now and I feel great. On August 9 i get my tumor markers checked again and my echo for my heart to make sure things are going okay. So everyone pray and will be letting you know. I think maybe I can rest easy once I find out. All I know is I have to take one day at a time.
Thanks to all the support from my family and friends I will continue to fight and never give up. Roel I love you!
My knee seems better but I still take it slow. It gets sore after walking for a while but it is working. :)
I take each day now as it comes, and be strong and try to move on slowly. I miss my dad a great deal but I know he is looking down on me from heaven.
I do not seem to have too much reaction from the herceptin which is great. The extra water weight I gained over 20 pounds is gone now and I feel great. On August 9 i get my tumor markers checked again and my echo for my heart to make sure things are going okay. So everyone pray and will be letting you know. I think maybe I can rest easy once I find out. All I know is I have to take one day at a time.
Thanks to all the support from my family and friends I will continue to fight and never give up. Roel I love you!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Herceptin was on Thursday
Well I had my herceptin again, does not seem to bother me which is good. My leg swelling has gotten much better which is good, I had almost over 10 pounds of water weight. Still dealing with my leg weakness which is hard, I get frustrated when I cannot do much. And also my knee, but it has been three weeks so I keep telling myself to be patient. Being patient is hard let me tell you, but sometimes you just have to go with it. Also my nails, are very discolored. It makes me feel ugly at times but all shall pass as they say. They say it can take up to six months for the chemo to come out of your system. /Well five more to go.....
There is a lot of stress with all of this, stress sometimes I wish it would go away but talking it out helps me so much.
Today I am actually lost for words, just want things to come together slowly and I know they will. Life was never made to be easy that is for sure. I just wish my hurt in my heart could sometimes disappear. I cry and it just never makes it go away. One thing I did learn tears are very healing to the soul and it helps me heal in my heart in a certain way. People worry when they see me cry, but hey sometimes it just has to come out. You know what it is okay......
I pray for strength and for my worries to be lifted. One day those worries will hopefully be gone.
The love of my friends and family are my strength, my hope....I will never give up.......
There is a lot of stress with all of this, stress sometimes I wish it would go away but talking it out helps me so much.
Today I am actually lost for words, just want things to come together slowly and I know they will. Life was never made to be easy that is for sure. I just wish my hurt in my heart could sometimes disappear. I cry and it just never makes it go away. One thing I did learn tears are very healing to the soul and it helps me heal in my heart in a certain way. People worry when they see me cry, but hey sometimes it just has to come out. You know what it is okay......
I pray for strength and for my worries to be lifted. One day those worries will hopefully be gone.
The love of my friends and family are my strength, my hope....I will never give up.......
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Herceptin iv, and knee
Two weeks ago I received herceptin, no more chemo which is good my body can finally heal. Not too much reaction just felt sick to my stomach otherwise doing okay. My legs and ankles are swollen with water so working on that until last Sunday I blew my left knee out.
It has been a week about my knee the brace is off I am finally walking without using crutches or a walker. But my legs remain weak probably from the chemo still. I have my mom and husband supporting me and giving me encouragement each day to get up and heal. And my facebook friends and family who continue to do that as well. I pray to god for help, sometimes I feel he does not answer and that is hard and I cry. I need to be strong so much. I have to.
I have some regrets in life, of course we all do, I regret not having children, forgiving some people when we fight. Lately, I just let things go when I get hurt from someone. I figure if they want to be in my life embrace it. If someone does not just let it go. But I have learned that you have to embrace those in your life now and enjoy you have to.
I hope my husband never regrets anything with me, he is such a wonderful man. Someone who I admire who is so strong and I feed off his strength each day. Is it wrong to miss him so much during the day it hurts? I do. I feel lost when he is not around, crazy huh but it is true.
Next week back on herceptin, so moving right along Doing exercises to strengthen my knee so I know one day at a time and hang in there. I have to one day at a time.
I love my family my sister, her husband, my nieces and my mom and husband with all my heart. Thank you for the strength. And my true friends thank you as well......I will make it through one day at a time. All the cards I have gotten I keep and read for support so thank you so much for all of that. And my other strength is I am getting well not only for me, but dad I love you. I promised you before you died that I would get better and I will.
It has been a week about my knee the brace is off I am finally walking without using crutches or a walker. But my legs remain weak probably from the chemo still. I have my mom and husband supporting me and giving me encouragement each day to get up and heal. And my facebook friends and family who continue to do that as well. I pray to god for help, sometimes I feel he does not answer and that is hard and I cry. I need to be strong so much. I have to.
I have some regrets in life, of course we all do, I regret not having children, forgiving some people when we fight. Lately, I just let things go when I get hurt from someone. I figure if they want to be in my life embrace it. If someone does not just let it go. But I have learned that you have to embrace those in your life now and enjoy you have to.
I hope my husband never regrets anything with me, he is such a wonderful man. Someone who I admire who is so strong and I feed off his strength each day. Is it wrong to miss him so much during the day it hurts? I do. I feel lost when he is not around, crazy huh but it is true.
Next week back on herceptin, so moving right along Doing exercises to strengthen my knee so I know one day at a time and hang in there. I have to one day at a time.
I love my family my sister, her husband, my nieces and my mom and husband with all my heart. Thank you for the strength. And my true friends thank you as well......I will make it through one day at a time. All the cards I have gotten I keep and read for support so thank you so much for all of that. And my other strength is I am getting well not only for me, but dad I love you. I promised you before you died that I would get better and I will.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
feeling hopeful for the first time
I feel hopeful for the first time. Geez what took me so long huh. lol........I still have affects from the chemo but I talked to a support lady yesterday Gloria, she has the same diagnosis as me and she is going strong. Been on herceptin for three years and doing great, has some side effects but okay.
After talking with her it lifted my spirits up so high you could not believe. I know with the support of everyone, my family, friends, and my wonderful husband I will be just fine. Sure, I have days and will have them when I am scared, sad, or feel why me, but hey its okay and I know I will be okay.
I love u Roel we will plan a party celebration soon and go away for a needed rest. You mean the world to me and thank u for being my heart and spirit. I love u.....
After talking with her it lifted my spirits up so high you could not believe. I know with the support of everyone, my family, friends, and my wonderful husband I will be just fine. Sure, I have days and will have them when I am scared, sad, or feel why me, but hey its okay and I know I will be okay.
I love u Roel we will plan a party celebration soon and go away for a needed rest. You mean the world to me and thank u for being my heart and spirit. I love u.....
Friday, June 3, 2011
Scared
Well I am coming around the stretch will be three weeks since the chemo next week and then I just go for herceptin. I will be closely monitored to make sure my heart remains strong and okay during this treatment. I should be happy that the tumor markers are down, but this week I have been so afraid. Been thinking a lot about my dad, and then also you read about this cancer I have that you can be alive five years, ten years, fifteen years, you just do not know. Being constantly scared like that is no way to live I know. I will continue on and be happy, but there are times I feel abandoned by God. Why did he do this to me? And then there are days I feel so strong and happy nothing can knock me over.
I know taking one day at a time is all that I can do. I am a lucky girl to have a wonderful husband who is always there for me. He would take my pain away if he could I can see that in his eyes. I have a loving family and am surrounded by so many wonderful friends, shoot they are friends but also my family too.
Things could always be worse, I could be alone, and I am not. I am grateful for each day that comes my way and just pray things continue to come our way in our life together for my husband and me. I cannot give up, I have to keep going. I know I can make it through. I love you Roel......
I know taking one day at a time is all that I can do. I am a lucky girl to have a wonderful husband who is always there for me. He would take my pain away if he could I can see that in his eyes. I have a loving family and am surrounded by so many wonderful friends, shoot they are friends but also my family too.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Thursday was my last chemo last week
I was scared when I went to the doctor, but just wanted to get it done and when he confirmed it I was so happy, tumor markers came from 450 to 87. Last chemo just need herceptin. It is still frustrating because I have to go through things. I have lost a friend a long the way who could not handle my illness, and gained many more for support. The support is so helpful, a note, a hug, it just keeps me going.
The chemo is hitting me a little hard, tired, achey, but tomorrow it will be one week so hopefully it will slowly get better. My mom comes over to help me, my legs are weak right now so hard for me to walk or function but she has been so helpful. My husband as well. His support means the world to me.
I have to be strong, their are days when I dont feel it, I feel like crying, feel scared, but you know what it is okay. It is normal. I will make it one day at a time. In three months blood tests and an echo to see how I am doing. I pray every day it will be okay.....
The chemo is hitting me a little hard, tired, achey, but tomorrow it will be one week so hopefully it will slowly get better. My mom comes over to help me, my legs are weak right now so hard for me to walk or function but she has been so helpful. My husband as well. His support means the world to me.
I have to be strong, their are days when I dont feel it, I feel like crying, feel scared, but you know what it is okay. It is normal. I will make it one day at a time. In three months blood tests and an echo to see how I am doing. I pray every day it will be okay.....
Thursday, May 5, 2011
4/28 chemo
Well chemo was last week, it was scary for me this time around, could not calm down, so afraid of the after affects. Saturday the pains started, so I stuck with taking the pain medicine my doctor prescribed. I hate taking pills, but the pain is so unbearable. I have had a little rough week but slowly starting to get better. Been running fevers at night, aches and pains, stomach ache and nausea. Believe me I have days where I want to give up. Chemo is just not a nice thing, but I watch motivational stories of others who went through cancer and how they dealt with it. Going to counciling now, and sometimes you learn that others are going through such a rougher time than you, and when you see them smile and their spirits up it keeps you going.
I hate asking for help but realized that I have to, the only way I will get through it is with help. The help I get even from people who live miles away means so much to me. A phone call, and letter, a note, means so much.
Today, well I am keeping my spirits each day I face what I have to get by. My energy is slowly starting to come back, and I slowly start to feel like myself. I am scared though, still get scared, I had an echo tuesday have not heard yet, I guess no news is good news, but you still get scared. I cannot even walk to get the mail anymore without feeling like I just walked a mile. But like the saying is, I have cancer, but cancer does not have me.
I see smiles lately when I walk through the hospital half the time I do not even wear a scarf anymore, hey Im bald, so look at it people lol.........now I know what sunburn on the head is, ouch not fun...lol...I do have to say I miss getting my hair done, that was always a pamper for me, but it will come back soon, and I will complain of bad hair days again.
I miss my dad, but he is my angel who is taking care of me now. I also have another angel Marcus a good friend their son passed away, I was not too much into prayer before this, but I do believe in angels and know they are there guiding me. Things could always be worse and whatever comes my way I have to continue to fight and move on. With all the love I get I know I can do anything.
I slowly am getting my chemo rash but not as bad as before, hey could be worse right. Things are slowly going to be okay I just wish I can stop being scared.
I hate asking for help but realized that I have to, the only way I will get through it is with help. The help I get even from people who live miles away means so much to me. A phone call, and letter, a note, means so much.
Today, well I am keeping my spirits each day I face what I have to get by. My energy is slowly starting to come back, and I slowly start to feel like myself. I am scared though, still get scared, I had an echo tuesday have not heard yet, I guess no news is good news, but you still get scared. I cannot even walk to get the mail anymore without feeling like I just walked a mile. But like the saying is, I have cancer, but cancer does not have me.
I see smiles lately when I walk through the hospital half the time I do not even wear a scarf anymore, hey Im bald, so look at it people lol.........now I know what sunburn on the head is, ouch not fun...lol...I do have to say I miss getting my hair done, that was always a pamper for me, but it will come back soon, and I will complain of bad hair days again.
I miss my dad, but he is my angel who is taking care of me now. I also have another angel Marcus a good friend their son passed away, I was not too much into prayer before this, but I do believe in angels and know they are there guiding me. Things could always be worse and whatever comes my way I have to continue to fight and move on. With all the love I get I know I can do anything.
I slowly am getting my chemo rash but not as bad as before, hey could be worse right. Things are slowly going to be okay I just wish I can stop being scared.
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